Motherhood

Today my friend Steph dyed my hair darker and cut bangs. I loved it. I left the salon feeling sexy and revived, ready to take on another fascinating day of cooking dinner. I went to pick up my 5 year-old who said “I want my old mom back. Why did you do that to yourself?” I told her I owned my head and that I could do whatever I wanted with it. We then went to pick up my 7 year-old from school. My youngest daughter saw her sister and ran down to meet her, whispering something in her ear. My eyes narrowed at the co-conspirators. ... Continue reading »

I was discussing my New Year’s Resolution of “Cereal Tolerance” with my mom the other day. She excitedly told me she was giving up “her very last addiction!” “Sex?” I asked. “Eew gross, I gave that up years ago. I am giving up Nicorette Gum!” I asked her if I could have the remainder of the box. She just laughed. I feel like no one ever takes me seriously. I am 32 years old and have never smoked a cigarette. So I do not feel that in my highly vulnerable state it would be asking too much for her to bequeath me the rest of her nicotine gum to try and prevent me from smoking now. ... Continue reading »

I have decided I need to start wearing one of those electronic 911 alerting medical bracelets like my grandma does. This would not be necessary if I had a husband that offered some form of assistance when I am clearly choking on a lentil. Yep, you read that right. I almost D-I-E-D and Mike literally sat there watching me cough, tears streaming down my face, gasping for my final breaths. Finally, I exorcised the little fucker. ... Continue reading »

Prefix: Following the birth of my first child, Mike had a near-death experience. In an attempt to help me see the light, he informed me that I “was lucky that I got to stay home all day” and that he ”wished he could be a stay-at-home dad”. Fast forward to 2011: I still recall this intrepid statement every Monday morning as I watch him skip merrily out the door to go to work and forget he has a family for 9 solid hours. Interesting. ... Continue reading »

The following is an actual conversation I had with my 4 year old daughter today:

Offspring- Mom, you know what I always wanted but never got?

Me- A nap?

Offspring- Worms. ... Continue reading »

Well, I am officially a socialite. Yes, I Erin Moroni, am now inches away from mingling with real live reality TV stars. I am trying extremely hard not to let this go to my head but I was invited to a black tie affair in Atlanta by the personal assistant of NeNe Leakes. Yes, THE NeNe from Real Housewives of Atlanta. O.M.G. Right? I feel like I can finally say I have done something with my life besides get pregnant. ... Continue reading »

My stepmother called me yesterday to inform me that a friend of hers had some itty, bitty kittens and would we like one? Truthfully, I am terrified of cats. I don’t trust them; my logical mind knows that if they were just bigger they would eat me. Remember that German dumbass from Las Vegas that led everyone to believe he had mystical tiger taming powers until the goddamn thing realized it was a TIGER and bit off the dude’s head. I suppose this irrational fear has something to do with some suppressed childhood memory; remind me to discuss this with my therapist. Ahhh yes and I am also allergic to them. They make my eyeballs (yes, the actual eyeball) swell up and bulge out of my head like someone with a severe goiter problem. ... Continue reading »

Last Mother’s Day weekend, I was having a slumber party in our basement with my daughters and my niece. The girls spent about 2 hours playing FatBooth on my i-phone and then switched to catapulting themselves back and forth between air mattresses. I was lying on the floor checking my e-mail, when my 4 year-old went flying through the air and dexterously landed on my face. I instinctively yelled “FUUUUUCCCKKKKKK” as searing pain ripped through my eyeball. I jumped up and ran upstairs to get some ice. I could hear my niece yelling “Aunt Erin said the f-word, and I know how to spell it: F-U-C-K!” as they screeched and laughed hysterically. ... Continue reading »

A number of my friends have had babies recently and each time I have gone to see their precious little creations, I am overcome with waves of nostalgia. Oh pul-eeeeeeeze people, I am not considering having another one, I just LOVE LOVE LOVE little, tiny, itty, bitty babies. I am quite confident that I have sufficiently trapped Mike into a lifetime of servitude to me with the ones we already have together. And besides, my vagina just clamped shut at the mere thought of getting pregnant (fun fact: it also does this when I see minivans). But anyway, occasionally I reminisce about a special time in my life when I was not quite so laid back, a time when paranoia, anxiety and hand sanitizer were my closest friends, a time when my house was actually clean and certain catch words like “please” or “thank you” mysteriously vanished from my vocabulary overnight. Yes, I am talking about the first baby. ... Continue reading »

A couple weeks ago we received a letter in the mail informing Mike and I that our daughter has missed more than 8 days of kindergarten this year. The letter went on to say that the school needs our “help in doing everything possible to reduce the number of absences” and was accompanied by a photocopy of the school district’s policy on absences. I asked around and sure enough, a number of my friends (please note the word “friends” because we are of like mind) also received “the letter” detailing their child’s absences as well. Many of my friends were pissed because “the letter” insinuated in not-so-many words that we are a collective group of deadbeat parents. I personally was not too terribly concerned, considering I have been called way worse and kindergarten is not mandatory in the state of Colorado (I googled this). ... Continue reading »

About a week ago my 6 year old informed me that I “RUINED HER LIFE” and slammed her door because I told her she could not go out and ride her bike since her room was a mess. Now, most of you would be dismayed at this type of unruly, disrespectful behavior from a small child. I was secretly thrilled. ... Continue reading »

The weekend I left for college, my mom had my room repainted, my furniture moved to the crawlspace, and purchased a Golden Retriever. She says that the reason she was smiling and humming excessively at that time was because she was trying to feign excitement for much anticipated departure. Uh-huh, right. My mother never suffered from one solitary second of “Empty Nest Syndrome” and is delighted to tell everyone she encounters of her psychological strength. Surprised I did not end up more screwed up than I already am? Me too. ... Continue reading »