People I Fucking Love

On Thursday my father is having his hip replacement surgery. We were discussing details of his operation when he told me his doctor gave him a pamphlet about “sex after joint replacement”. I said “Well, it is a good thing that you won’t have to worry about that right?” Silence. OMG, Gross. I then asked if he wouldn’t mind taking a picture of his old people porno brochure and sending it to me for curiosity’s sake. 30 seconds later, I received an e-mail from my father which was instantaneously followed by a call from him telling me “this is how babies are made”. Dad, please stop. ... Continue reading »

Our super cool vet, Dr. Vickers, just responded to my most recent blog regarding my middle of the night trip to the animal emergency room, on my anniversary, to have my dog’s anal glands emptied. He graciously told me I should have called him which set me into a fit of hysterics: ... Continue reading »

For my birthday this year, we decided to take the fam on a little road trip up to the mountains. My friend Meredith would like to get married and start a family so I invited her to come along before she made any rash decisions about her life. Once Mer arrived and I had her secluded in the mountains, I told her the real reason I asked her to come was because I wanted to talk to her about “accepting Jesus Christ into her heart” (this will prove to be ironic, keep reading) and added that Mike and I have decided she would make a lovely “sister-wife”. Then I told her, I was just fucking with her and that this weekend was really a “scared straight” program so she could re-evaluate her life of freedom and solitude. ... Continue reading »

This past weekend, my sister, stepmother and I threw a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad. As it turns out, my stepmother is not nearly as skilled at lying as I am so he totally figured it out. Whatever. I just love old people and it was fun to watch my dad feign shock at the number of people who came to celebrate his birth and make flaccid penis jokes at his expense. My sister and I even paid some of our young friends to come in case we got tired of talking about the Civil War and my father’s upcoming hip replacement surgery. IT.WAS.FUN. ... Continue reading »

While doing jumping jacks in boot camp yesterday, my precious friend Laura informed me that the Department of Wildlife had to come out and euthanize a coyote in her backyard the night before. Apparently, one of the suckers wandered into her backyard and lay down in the snow by her back porch. Laura immediately yelled for her husband and kids to come see this mysterious marvel of nature as it unabashedly exposed itself within the confines of their suburban yard. Excited, they took dozens of pictures and periodically opened the back door to throw hotdogs at its head in case it was hungry. Then, just when Laura was certain her children were completely enthralled by their new pet coyote, the poor thing tried to stand up and……… promptly fell back down. Uh-Oh. ... Continue reading »

Last night my father and stepmother came over for dinner and I was reminded of yet another time when my siblings and I laughed uncontrollably at my dad’s expense. When my dad was in college, he was the pool manager at a country club. Apparently, he had a thing for a girl he worked with and had asked her to go horseback riding with him. They agreed to meet up the next day. My dad, AKA “Dave” or “Loin Beast”, put on a pair of his biggest bell bottoms, combed his sideburns, unbuttoned half of his collared shirt allowing a healthy mound of chest hair to protrude, put on his white patent leather boots and poured half a bottle of cologne on his crotch. I am quite certain he made finger guns and pointed them at himself in the mirror right before he left. With REO Speedwagon blaring from his light green Ford Pinto he went to meet up with his date. Clearly, my father was planning on getting himself some 70’s disco bush that day. ... Continue reading »

My friend Holly is the gal you go to if you need advice. She is one of those people who conveniently knows something about everything. If your brain can conjure it, she can help: plastic surgeons, home décor, make-up, cars, recipes, gyms, worthy twitter followers, vacations spots, bunco, lingerie, shoes, music to have sex to, child birth, child rearing, marriage counselors, divorce attorneys, hair styles that compliment your face, clothes that make your ass look small, French translations “J’aime les chat”, atomic mass of a neutron, etc. etc. Holly is essentially an oracle with one teensy, weensy, itty, bitty personality quirk. She is officially the LEAST sympathetic person on the planet. You absolutely DO NOT, repeat DO NOT, go to Holly if you want to be coddled, held or comforted in any way because she does not give a shit. I am quite certain her children were changing their own diapers, cleaning up their own vomit and mixing their own formula by 6 months of age. So you can imagine my delight when Holly agreed to allow me to write about a very brief but eventful 72 hours of her life when heartfelt compassion was the sovereign power that dictated her every move. ... Continue reading »

We used to send our daughter to a Montessori school down the street from us.  Every year they would hold a silent auction/dinner to support the school.  Because this was our daughter’s first year in school and because we are spectacular parents, I decided to forgo my chemical peel and shell out the $75 apiece for tickets instead.  To make this gala event as painless as possible, we made arrangements to go with our friends Aaron and Amanda, who incidentally are also spectacular parents. ... Continue reading »