My Mom

A month ago, my precious, delish and hilarious mom fell and broke a rib and her leg which, ultimately required major surgery. Unfortunately, this rendered her an invalid and because I am a self-sacrificing soul of altruism, I am now one of her caretakers. Actually, I just drive her around and say things like, “You should take a muscle relaxer” or “Do you want another muscle relaxer?" ... Continue reading »

“I want to be just like my mom, except with fewer cats and figurines.” -Myself, 35 A few months ago, my mom purchased a pair of designer kittens. Even though I am really allergic to cats and the military previously inflicted torture upon detained terrorists by forcing them to drive with my mother (it has since been deemed inhumane by the current administration), I offered to take her to go get the little furballs. My mother amuses me and frankly, we had not spent much time together since I exited her womb and moved to a gated community. ... Continue reading »

It has been two weeks since my mom’s cat, Mr. Whiskerpuss, passed away. My mom was utterly devastated, sooooo I took it upon myself to find her another obscenely expensive, purebred kitten to fill the void. Mike was adamant that I ask my stepfather, Bob, before I bought the cat even though Bob had already paid my dowry and arranged for Mike to marry me years ago. Ass kisser. As a matter of principle, I make a point to never seek permission from men for trivial matters such as purchasing pets however for the sake of compromise, I decided to be the bigger person. Surprisingly, Bob agreed to my plan so I didn’t even have to buy the thing, drop it off at their house while they were at work and never answer my phone again. Whatever. Glad he was on board. ... Continue reading »

A few days ago I took my kids to the park and they discovered the remains of a raccoon that had obviously been shanked by some gang member coyotes. Kids: MOM CAN WE TAKE SOME BONES HOME?! Me: No. Kids: (Hyperventilating) PLEASE MOM PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?! Me: Oh My God. That is so disgusting. No. Kids: YOU ARE SO MEAN! IT IS SCIENCE! Me: I seriously care. Can you please just go play on the slide now and pretend you are “normal” children. ... Continue reading »

During Easter brunch at my house this year, my mom told us she had to go to the emergency room when she was nineteen years old for severe stomach pain. Apparently, a resident doctor came in to examine her and coldly informed her that she was in the final stages of gonorrhea and that she would never have children. My mortified mom called and informed “everyone” of her tragic diagnosis only to have her appendix burst two weeks later. Oops. Omg. I would have f’ing paid to see the faces of her hippie boyfriends when they got that phone call. Sooooo funny. ... Continue reading »

Eew, the grossest thing ever happened to me last week. I ordered five hundred U.S. dollars worth of clothes from Lands’ End because I go back to work full time at the dental office come August and Mike thinks periwinkle cardigans and monogrammed coral polos will inspire the masses to get their teeth cleaned. Following this violent assault on my eyes I drove myself to Lululemon and inhaled the delectable scent of overpriced yoga pants and chic tops made by crazy talented kids in Guatemala. ... Continue reading »

I just took my daughter to a birthday party at a jumpy castle place. She managed to jump about 3 inches of gum in her hair. I just cut it out. It should grow back by Christmas pictures next year. My mom friends and I were cracking up. My daughter tried to get me to go down “Camel Toe” slide with her but I learned my lesson at previous birthday party, hence the name. Um, that smarted. Oh yeah, and I needed to get new brakes today. ... Continue reading »

The air is noticeably crisper, leaves are changing colors, children are back to school licking each other’s faces and creating new strains of bacterium, the menfolk have placed new batteries in their beloved remote controls, adorned their houses with their respective college flags and sat their asses on the couch (in great contrast to the rest of the year) to prepare for another captivating season of football. This is also the special time of year when my mother begins gearing up for figurine shopping season. Yes, figurines. My mother loves figurines. If a robber approached her and said “It is either him or the figurines (pointing a thumb to her husband).” I would miss my stepfather, I really would. A few years ago my mother began buying figurines in mass quantities to display throughout her house during the holiday season. She has clay witches, handmade elves with bells sewn on their bodies, little birdies with fuzzy hats singing Christmas carols, glittery Christmas trees with faces and teeth, terracotta snowmen made in Costa Rica, an African-American nativity scene, Easter bunnies with jewels glued on them, approximately nine-thousand Santas of varying girths and sparkles, one-of-a -kind Asian pilgrims, etc. etc. etc. ... Continue reading »