DysFUNctional

Yesterday I sent Mike a racy text at work.  He never responded.  I just shrugged my shoulders and thought “Sweeeeet, now I don’t look like the bad guy since I attempted to initiate a session of passionate love making and can instead get caught up on Shark Week and not shave my legs.  Win-Win.”  What I didn’t know was that Mike’s associate apparently thought his phone was hers and intercepted the text.  Talk about the ultimate cock block.  Now, if something like this would have happened to me, I would have definitely responded on behalf of my boss since he was obviously busy at the time and this would earn me bonus points when I was up for a review.  But most people are not as considerate as me. 

Anyway, today my mom came over.  She brought her teapot with her. 

Me:  Mom why did you bring your teapot?  I have one. 

Mom:  Well it is just that some people do not clean theirs and it is disgusting. 

Me:  Boy that is gross, I clean mine every day. 

Awkward Silence

Mom:  Wouldn’t you like to change your name to Evangeline?

Me:  Not really.  What is wrong with my name?

Mom:  Oh nothing it is just that my tastes have changed.

Me:  So basically you don’t like the name Erin anymore?

Mom:  I didn’t say I didn’t like it, I simply asked if you would like to change it.

Me:  Remember when you wanted me to name my daughter, Priscilla?

Mom:  I named your daughter.

Me:  I KNOW because I told you I was not going to name her Priscilla and you said “I don’t care what you name her I am going to call her Priscilla anyway.”  Then you decided you liked a different name better a week later.

Mom:  Oh yes, I do remember that!  I wish I would have named you Evangeline.

Me:  Was I adopted and you just didn’t want to tell me that my real mom was a teenage crack addicted prostitute?  Or that I was abandoned in a dumpster?  Or that you and dad kidnapped me?  I promise I will forgive you for lying to me all these years.

Next subject o’ fun:  Mike and I have a couple of wine-making, Europe traveling, celeb mingling, socialite friends named Aaron and Amanda.  We have a ton in common.  While they were in Cannes recently, Aaron posted a picture on Facebook of him wearing a sausage sling on a yacht.  I thought this was absolutely HYSTERICAL so Aaron decided to take it a step further and wore the boner suit over to our house last Sunday.  It totally reminded me of the time my mom and stepdad took us to Mexico when I was in college.  We were all lying on the beach making fun of some guy climbing out of the ocean wearing a snorkel, mask, flippers and a flesh colored marble sack.  We all grew silent as the figure walked over to us and we realized it was Bob.  We called him Speedo Bobito for the duration of the trip and for our reward they never took us anywhere again.

And since I am on the subject of friends, I recently brought the girls over to visit my friend from high school, Katya, and her kids.  Katya is one of the funniest, sexiest sisters to ever grace the planet.  I LOVE THE UKRAINE!  YEAH BABY!!!! Anyhow, Katya and I like to spend our first moments together thanking God for sparing of us of our youthful sins as we had no idea how fertile we would grow up to be.  Then we kick it on her lawn chairs and laugh about how much FUN we had and how we are so FUUUCKED if karma is real. 

“OMG do you remember when you pulled out of the parking lot and hit that parked car and I told you to leave a note and so you wrote “SORRY” in lipstick and stuck it on their windshield?!”  “That was so funny last year when we went up to the mountains for our spa getaway and you had to pump the whole time so your boobs would not explode and we accidentally spilled that bottle of breast milk behind the nightstand and forgot about it?!” “Do you remember when we went camping and we lost two of the guys we went with and you barfed in the tent all night because you were drunk and that one idiot still hit on you?!”  “Do you remember when I slept with your boyfriend?!”  HAHAHA…….. “Oh sorry, I thought you knew….um yeah so anyway….”

Katya’s little boy was excited to show us his new pet lizard and so we followed him into his bedroom and watched in horror as he reached into a giant aquarium and pulled out a big, pissed off, writhing reptile.  I looked at Katya and mouthed “What.The.Fuck?”  And she just smiled adoringly at her son as she recounted how “last week it bit him right on the nose but it only bled for a little while.”  Then he accidentally dropped the thing while my daughters and I tore out of there screaming for our lives.

I should probably also mention that Katya has a troll cat named Gracie.  She bought the fluffy little sociopath out of the back of some dude’s car in a Walmart parking lot.  Katya asked me to housesit for her one time and that fucking thing cornered me in her laundry room hissing and trying to bite me.  I do not understand why they don’t just have the nasty furball put out of its miserable existence.  But I shouldn’t judge, I once had a Golden Retriever that belonged to Satan before me.  I used to get so pissed at that dog, I would open the door and try to set it free back into the wild.  Okay, well that just about sums up the week.  Nighty night.  XO