Life Lessons

North Korean Dictator, Kim Jung Un, finally resurfaced after he had been MIA for a few weeks.  I called Crime Stoppers to tip them off that he was working as a private contractor in my children’s school district.  I suspected Kim had been hired to assist with the implementation of dogmatic rule and unyielding submission to authority since his business model has proven to be uber effective in his weird-ass, flag-twirling country.  

Author’s Note- I sent the first draft of this blog to my attorney.  He advised me to reword certain phrases because I could be accused of defamation of character.  I called him a racist.  He then sent me a copy of Colorado statute blah blah blah, which incidentally, also prohibits me from posting “live cesareans” on my blog.  I stared at my email with a squinty eye.  Where the fuck did that come from?  Eew.

My Kim Jung Un theory became even more plausible when my daughter’s teacher resigned a couple weeks ago.  Her teacher also resigned last year (along with nearly twenty other teachers and staff members) from our neighborhood school.  Apparently, teachers do not actually enjoy being treated like shit, contrary to popular belief.  

Mike is currently pulling the skin down under his eyes and groaning as I write this.  He claims I am about to annihilate the property values in our neighborhood.  Evidently, it is common knowledge that all potential real estate investors consult ErinSays prior to submitting loan applications.  

Whatever, it is not a secret that our district has gone creepy, Ike Turner on our teachers.  I am THRILLED teachers are starting to stand up for themselves.  These people are laying the foundation for our children who will one day be operating on us, running our corrupt government, fighting crime, writing mom blogs, dancing on poles etc.  Trust me, if our nefarious educational system somehow churns out a dumbshit plastic surgeon who gives me three tits and a bulbous nose, I am going to be soooo pissed.

“But Er-in, teachers need to be held to certain standards.  Waaaaah.”  Um yeah, I totally get that.  I also watch enough Dr. Phil to know that utilizing fear and criticism to inspire change is like trying to teach my dogs to shit outside.  It doesn’t work.  (Granted my dogs are “special” so praising them renders the same result, teachers are totally different).     

My family personally decided it was in the best interest of our children to transfer them to a different school that actually has teachers.  I busted out my ole’ acting chops and pretended to be excited when I dropped off our daughters on the first day at their new school.  I then returned home to self-loathe, cry and question my intuition and abilities as both a woman and a mother.

When I went to pick my daughters up from school later that day, I curiously watched as they came bounding out energized and happy.  My children were not victimized by the move as I had anticipated, they were entirely empowered.  They unknowingly gained the unassailable confidence to never be enslaved to a toxic situation.  Hell.Yeah.

I can totally see God rolling his eyes at me, rubbing his temples mumbling, “NOW do you get the life lesson I was teaching them, you dipshit?  Can I fetch you a cocktail and give you a foot rub or is it okay if I return to the hot mess festering in the Middle East right now?”  Nope, thanks Sarcastic God.  I am totally good now.

Oh and one last thing...My kids now have to wear uniforms.  Um.Best.Thing.Ever.  My mornings are like, “So would you like to wear navy or khaki?  Neither?  Tough shit.  Choose one.”  I can pretty much guarantee when I croak, my daughters will put me in a loathsome, non-designer khaki jumpsuit and then have an open casket.  I only ask that someone please, please stick up my middle finger before they close the lid.  XO

PS.  I am deeply humbled and forever indebted to the magical and powerful women who rallied us made this possible.  With deepest gratitude.  E