Good News Comes in Pairs

I was just skimming through the news and came across the Josh Duggar scandal.  Wow Dude, it is a good thing Jesus apparently loves you because everyone else on the planet thinks you are a fucking asshole.  No wonder your parents went on to have 18 more kids after they screwed up the first one so badly.

Anywhooooo, for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook or you can’t when I blocked you after you attempted to send me pictures of your balls...I learned I do NOT have breast cancer this week.  I was driving to my doctor’s appointment when the skies suddenly grew ominous and it started pouring outside.  The car in front of me had a 666 on their license plate and I literally could not get away from the guy.  It was super dramatic and if I hadn’t already worked myself into a state of sheer terror, I would have been laughing hysterically.

The doctor and his assistant came in and performed an ultrasound on my lump.  He told me he had reviewed my films and was confident it was just a lymph node since they can “be more prominent in thinner women.”  *I like anyone that tells me I am skinny.  He jiggled my boob around while looking at the ultrasound screen and told me my implants looked great.  I was like, “I know right?”  He said, “I am referring to your x-rays.”  Oh, got it.  I just stared at the ceiling tiles.

He played with my other boob for a minute and then asked if I was 40 yet.  My eyes narrowed as I turned to look at him.  “Um....noooooo.  I am 36.  Omg.  Why do I LOOK 40?”  Both him and his assistant started laughing.  “Hey doc, in case you didn’t notice, we are kind of at second base right now annnnnnd you just totally killed it.  In fact, I think we should just stay with our respective spouses since I am just not feeling any spark whatsoever.”  They started laughing harder.  I wasn’t even making a joke.  He said I made his day.  Whatever, aside from telling me I didn’t have cancer, he totally ruined mine.

I got in my car and immediately called my aesthetician/good friend, Lisa.  “The doctor asked if I was 40.”  She gasped, “NO!  HE DID NOT!  He just totally insulted me since I do your face!”  I nodded in agreement.  “I knew you would find this equally distressing. He basically said I was ugly and not aging well, I am legit pissed.”  Lisa frantically said, “Can you come in on Tuesday at 11 and I will laser the fuck out of your face?”  “Definitely.”  She paused, “Oh shit, I forgot, do you have breast cancer?”  “No.”  “Okay bye.”  

Moving on to even more exciting news than not having cancer, school started this week!  At the beginning of every summer, I am super enthused and totally pumped up to do the whole mom thing.  We go to museums, zoos, amusement parks, take trips, swim, play at parks, do arts and crafts etc.  I calmly negotiate squabbles, make healthy meals and ensure all their little needs are met. 

By the end of July, I start mindlessly perusing ads for one-bedroom apartments.  My children fight incessantly and have definitely surpassed the FDA recommendation for otter pop consumption.  I am transformed into a hollowed shell of what was once a human being.  Frankly, I am surprised my boob doc didn’t think I was 50.  

In desperation one morning, I clung to Mike’s leg while he was shaving and begged him not to leave me alone with them.  I then propositioned him with the idea of a mock divorce.  “You know like we switch off taking the kids, so one of us can get a break but, we are still totally happily married.”  

Mike just gave a hearty chuckle and skipped out to his luxury vehicle, in a expensive suit and tie, all excited to go to spend the day with tall humans who pretend to listen to him.  Ironically, Mike doesn’t need Lexapro.  I decided I am totally going to swing by his office and put one of those stupid “I Love My Wife” bumper stickers on his car to get even for abandoning me in my time of need.

I hope you all have a fabulouso week.  I know I sure as hell will.  Smoochies. XO