Figurines: Vol. II

This morning. Ring, Ring…..

Me:  Hi Mom, What’s up?

Mom:  Oh it is not good, I am having a really bad day.  I am so stressed out.

Me:  Why?  What happened? (taking my anti-anxiety medication and walking over to the refrigerator).

Mom:  I cannot get my figurines arranged.  Nothing looks cute this year like it did last year. 

Me:  That is awful (stuffing a stick of butter in my mouth to ease my mounting emotional distress).

Mom:  I am serious Erin.  I have friends coming into town next weekend and this is my only day to make my house look perfect. 

Me:  I understand completely, your arthritis must be flaring up big time.  (Covering the receiver and eating a bagel).

Mom:  It is and to make matters worse I don’t know where on earth to put those creepy looking elves and I cannot find Baby Jesus from your dead Aunt Aileen’s nativity scene!  Can you come over and help me?

Me:  You want me to come over and help you find Jesus?

Mom:  Listen Smartass, I don’t think it is asking too much.  I gave birth to you remember.

Me:  Yeah, thanks for that.  Living has been a riot.  So you are preying on my guilt to entice me to help set up figurines?

Mom:  Yes and bring the dogs.  (Note: Not the kids because they could obviously jeopardize the safety of the figurines).

My Stepfather in the Background:  Laurie- Remember when you got in that car accident years ago and broke your sternum driving to the mall to get more figurines.  (Me choking on a bagel and leaning over a chair to perform the Heimlich on myself).

Mom:  Shut Up Bob.  Those pieces were being discontinued the following year and I had to get them.  (We are all 3 laughing now).

Me:  Okay, say I am your favorite child and I will come out this afternoon.

Mom:  You’re my favorite child (preoccupied and cold). 

Me:  Bye

Mom:  Oh yeah, one more thing, did I tell you grandma doesn’t have cancer!

Me:  That’s great news!  What a relief that must be for you.

Mom:  I love you, drive safe.  Don’t blog about this.

Me:  Okay I won’t (chill, she doesn’t know what the internet is).

Have a good day everyone.  I really hope I do find Jesus and my mom doesn’t have to spend Christmas in the psych ward.  XO