Heal The World

I went to the doctor yesterday because I have another sinus infection.  My doctor informed me I need CAT scan of my head, gave me some prescriptions and told me to go get a “Netti Pot” with the promise that I would “see boogers from sixth grade.”  Okay.  This all seemed reasonable and agreeable to me with the exception of potential sinus surgery.  Oooooh No.  At this point in my life and hereafter, the only surgeries I plan to have are for physical enhancement purposes.  Like hi, who cares how a sinus cavity looks?

I went to the store and purchased said “Netti Pot”.  Conveniently my friend Kristen stopped to assist me with this arduous task of irrigating my nose.  I can safely say that I have now completed Navy SEAL boot camp since I successfully drowned and resuscitated myself.  Seriously, who thinks this shit up?  Simply water board yourself to eradicate your sinus problem.  I can actually see why this method of terrorist interrogation might be taking it just a little bit too far.  Perhaps a session of Hippocrate’s archaic bloodletting would also help since we are going old school here.  Kristen was laughing too hard to adminster CPR. Unbelievable.  

Following that pointless fiasco, Kristen said she stepped on something a few days ago.  She showed me her foot which was totally swollen and red.  I almost passed out with frenzied exhilaration.  Dirty Little Erin Secret?  I.Pick.Everything.  I reincarnated into human form straight from a chimpanzee.  I will sit there and prune Mike for hours looking for something to pick. 

I have begged, pleaded and bartered to perform surgery on ingrown hairs, zits, splinters etc.  I freaking cannot wait for my kids to become teenagers and get acne.  My addiction is so bad that I once dumped a super hot, really nice guy after one date because he had a BLACKHEAD IN HIS EAR and I knew it would be months before I could build up his trust enough to pick it.  I was like “OMG Kristen.  Squeeze it!  Squeeeeeeeeeezzzzzze it!!!!!!!!!!!!”  She did.  And it was positively AMAZING, just as I expected.  Now on most days watching Kristen squeeze pus out of her infected foot would have been the highlight of my day but yesterday was special.

As a preface to this next story, I think a lot of shit is funny.  I was amused when my children asked me to “pretend that you and dad are divorced and you are our stepmom.”  I have admittedly claimed to be their “nanny” when they are acting like brats in public.  And I am always overjoyed when they tell me they are “going to grow their boobs out longer than mine.”  But there is a line even for me. 

For a couple weeks now I have had a shitty feeling about the father/daughter dance fundraiser at my daughter’s school this weekend.  Naturally it was advertized everywhere and my daughter was ecstatic.  Mike is even taking an earlier flight home from a conference to ensure he will be there.  We paid the extra fee to have flowers and a note delivered to her the day of the dance.  Cute? Absolutely.  Well intended?  Yep.  My Problem?  NOT EVERY LITTLE GIRL HAS A FATHER THAT IS WILLING OR ABLE TO DO THIS. 

My heart has literally hurt for these little girls whom, by no fault of their own, will not be receiving flowers tomorrow.  I could only imagine how that would make me feel either knowing I would not receive any or be left hoping I would while watching my teacher hand them out to my classmates.  Adolescent psychological calamities and I do NOT jive.  At all.  Whatsoever.

Sooooooooo……..I woke up at 2:00 in the morning and decided fuck that, every little girl in that school would indeed be receiving flowers regardless of the cost, with a note telling them that they were special from their teachers.  I called the school first thing in the morning.  Ironically, the person in charge was on his way out the door to place the flower order.  I found out specifically how many we would need to buy and then basically doubled the order.  I volunteered to help assemble all these bouquets Friday morning.  Interestingly enough, the flower store gave him a discount because of the quantity of flowers.  Then I informed Mike, who surprised me by saying this was “really good idea” because he is a badass.  I dropped off a check.  Done.

I am not telling you this because I want you all to think great things about me.  I had absolutely nothing to do with the situation other than I listened to my intuition and allowed myself to be a vessel.  The universe simply utilized the gifts I have previously manifested to make it happen.  Um hi, how cool is that? 

I realize that I cannot possibly run interference with every encounter of hurt that our children will face.  Yet, within these particular circumstances I discovered a tiny thread of my own personal power; the very same universal power which courses through us all, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day and incidentally provided me with the most satisfying reward I could possibly receive.  So what if we were all tapping into that energy frequency?  Now THAT would be a partaaaay!  Have a magical day lovers!!!! XO

P.S.  My sinuses feel better today.  That f’ing thing actually works.  WEIRD.