The Best Of Erin Says

I recently received an inquiry regarding my feelings on the world allegedly coming to an end later this month. Since I am always the last to know when the world is going to blow up I decided to educate myself on this matter. Annnnnd following my extensive five minute google search, I was horrified to learn we are indeed all going to die someday. Calm down I was being facetious, but you really are going to die. ... Continue reading »

Last week my yorkie Layla, became ill after eating rabbit shit according to our vet. This incidentally serves as a good reminder for all of us: Stop Doing That. My precious baby required a variety of antibiotics, x-rays, blood work, an IV, hand fed meals, massages and a couple thousand of Mike’s dollars before we nuked those nasty germs. Yeah that’s right, Wrong.Yorkie.Bitches (the bacterium, not Layla). ... Continue reading »

When I went grocery shopping last week I encountered a slobbery dog tied up outside the store waiting for its owner. Because I am up to date on my rabies vaccinations, I stopped and gave it a pet and then went inside. I was tossing food in my grocery cart, daydreaming about how glorious it would be to own 10 Yorkies with matching Burberry sweaters when I accidentally bumped into some dude. ... Continue reading »

I went to the doctor yesterday because I have another sinus infection. My doctor informed me I need CAT scan of my head, gave me some prescriptions and told me to go get a “Netti Pot” with the promise that I would “see boogers from sixth grade.” Okay. This all seemed reasonable and agreeable to me with the exception of potential sinus surgery. Oooooh No. At this point in my life and hereafter, the only surgeries I plan to have are for physical enhancement purposes. Like hi, who cares how a sinus cavity looks? ... Continue reading »

This morning: Ring, Ring…..

Me: Hi Mom, What’s up?

Mom: Oh it is not good, I am having a really bad day. I am so stressed out.

Me: Why? What happened? (taking my anti-anxiety medication and walking over to the refrigerator).

Mom: I cannot get my figurines arranged. Nothing looks cute this year like it did last year.

Me: That is awful (stuffing a stick of butter in my mouth to ease my mounting emotional distress).

... Continue reading »

My friend, Whitney, has a stomach that underwent a superpower mutation following the Chernobyl disaster in 1986. The girl can eat ANYTHING and not get sick. Rancid meat, expired milk, furry yogurt, etc. etc., it does absolutely nothing to upset her Teflon intestines. A few weeks ago I got food poisoning that made me so deliriously ill, I found myself stumbling toward table lamps trying to follow the light and find Jesus. I am fairly certain I vomited up one of my kidneys and a couple vertebrae. Now in contrast, if Whitney had consumed the same exact quantity of bacteria that I did, she would have maybe hiccupped and gone shoe shopping.

Anyway, the other night we had dinner and because people like to tell me everything, she divulged some information that was so spectacular I had to sit down on the curb in order to breathe afterward because I was laughing that hard. I had mascara running down my face and snot pouring out my nose and my body was racked with hysterical convulsions that made me piss myself countless times despite my c-sections, as I recounted what I have coined “The Legend” over and over again in my mind. And while I am indeed easily amused; I am rarely shocked by human behavior, until now. ... Continue reading »

I don’t mind airplanes, in fact, I rather enjoy them. People are utterly fascinating to me so sitting next to a stranger for a few hours, in close confines breathing the same recycled oxygen brings me immense pleasure. Last weekend on our way to L.A., I had one of the best flights EVER. We were about 30 minutes in the air when I had to use the bathroom; I climbed over Mike and accidentally whacked him in the balls when the pilot hit some turbulence. I steadied myself and made it back to the bathroom right as some guy was exiting. I locked myself in and started to sit down only to realize the bastard had dropped a load (I know! ON A FUCKING AIRPLANE right?) and left part of it stranded in the bowl. Disgusted, I flushed and flushed and flushed until the nasty thing went down and I was finally able to pee. ... Continue reading »

Last August, I was driving along a busy road to pick my daughters up from school, when I saw a dog playing frogger in traffic. Now, if there is anything I have a weakness for, it is Italian men and dogs (particularly of the puppy mill variety). I just knew I needed to help this poor creature! Another upstanding citizen conveniently witnessed this pending tragedy at the same time I did and pulled over to aid in the rescue. Annnnnnnd this is when things tipped the scale to entirely bizarre. ... Continue reading »

Every summer growing up, my father would load up the Ford Windstar mini-van and take my 3 siblings and me to southern California to see our grandparents.  My ultra-conservative, Christian grandparents lived in a gated old person’s neighborhood where there were approximately a gazillion rules.  They took special care to ensure that our schedule was jam-packed from the minute we arrived so we would not be around to disturb anyone. We lovingly referred to it as “The Village of the Damned.” ... Continue reading »