Why I Love Money

A few nights ago, I received a text from my uncle. It was a picture of him and some cute chick in an awkward side-hug. Random. I took a picture of my dog licking his ass and sent it back to him with a “?”. A few minutes later he responded by telling me he was at the mall buying shoes when someone called his phone by accident and asked if he had a wife named Erin. My uncle responded, “Not only do I not have a wife named Erin, I don’t have one at all!” (Don’t be sad for him. He is actually happy. In fact, I try to minimize the amount of time Mike spends with him so he doesn’t get any big ideas about how much better his life could be). ... Continue reading »

I recently went to Monterey for Mike’s family reunion. We were at the aquarium when my sister-in-law decided her baby needed to take a nap. I eagerly volunteered to help her back to the car because watching fish swim around has never been a passion of mine. On my way back, I passed a little shop advertising psychic readings. I peered inside and saw a lady clipping her toenails on a table with a crystal ball and a credit card machine. I went inside... ... Continue reading »

I recently ran into a woman I knew at the mall. We exchanged pleasantries and then she launched into how pissed she was that her husband gave her money rather than an actual gift for her birthday. I stood there totally confused. Hi. If Mike gave me money for my birthday I would probably sleep with him even though it was my holiday. I freaking LOVE money. The only thing I love more than money is Yorkies. She went on and on about the thoughtlessness and insincerity and how she deserved better blah blah blah. Omg. Shut.The.Fuck.Up. Mike- If you are reading this, don’t you EVER forget how lucky you are to have me. Oh and I write a blog. It is mostly about you. Sorry I forgot to tell you. ... Continue reading »

It is Steve Jobs fault that I now own a cat. Last week I went into my daughter’s room and made the astute observation that her pet lizard, Pearl, had died. How did I know? Its face was pressed awkwardly against the aquarium and when I tapped on the side of it, the thing did not move. I looked at my watch. This pending psychological calamity was going to have to wait. School was starting in ten minutes, grieving over a dead lizard takes fifteen and I seriously needed a break after the theatrical production my family starred in last week titled, “A Family Catches the Stomach Flu and Their Mother/Wife Heroically Saves Them Even Though She Wanted to Run Away.” ... Continue reading »

You know how Mike has claimed that my Shih Tzu is the “stupidest dog on earth” well it turns out he was wrong, it is my Yorkie!!! HAHAHAHA FACE MIKE. Some dogs like antifreeze, my dogs like to play in the street and pretend they are deaf. We are not allowed to have fences in our neighborhood because that would prevent the HOA’s specially recruited traitor spy neighbor from peering into our yards to ensure that we are in adherence with the pine verses spruce tree rule #4,976,399,544 so we decided to purchase an invisible fence. ... Continue reading »

I am ready to talk about it. In accordance with the Kubler-Ross Model of the 5 Stages of Grief, I am currently residing in Stage 4, Depression. On Tuesday, I went to pick my daughter up from pre-school. Her class is currently tortur-raising baby chicks. My daughter informed me that one of the chicks “got hurt bad cause a block dropped on its head but it was just an accident and it is the circle of life and it is still alive but things don’t look too good and it will soon be with Baby Jesus and so don’t feel that bad for it.” Um what? I went inside and sure enough there was a teeny tiny itty bitty baby chick lying on its side shaking. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I did NOT just f'ing see this. ... Continue reading »

About a year ago my mom went out and bought a Beta fish. She bought the thing an enormous glass bowl, live plants, Roman fish statues and rocks made of Swarovski Crystal. She religiously cleans its gigantic residence every week and fills it with expensive purified water to ensure its little fishy lungs have plenty of non-polluted oxygen. (Incidentally, she does not seem to mind when my stepfather drinks disgusting, chlorinated, none ionized, polluted tap water). Essentially, this fish hit the jackpot and went from living in a tiny, poop filled plastic container to the lap of luxury. I can almost see its arrogance as it swims around its Olympic size swimming pool with its sumptuous tail swishing back and forth. I seriously think my mother has officially gone off the deep end (no pun). She loves her fish, she talks to her fish and she is obviously taking it to see some fishy plastic surgeon because its scales look amazing. ... Continue reading »