Random

My 9-year-old was at her second violin lesson last Sunday when her teacher came out and informed Mike and I that our kid was feeling dizzy. We walked over to check on her as she stumbled around, white as a ghost and told me she was going to be sick. I opened the door to get her some fresh air annnnd she passed out. Mike somehow managed to catch her before her head hit the pavement. He then told some guy walking by to call 911 while I was hysterically saying her name and telling her to wake up. The police, a firetruck and EMT’s showed up and loaded her into an ambulance. By the time we arrived at the hospital, she was pretty much back to “normal” although I use that term loosely because as it turns out nothing was wrong with her aside from being extremely excited to take a violin lesson. W.T.F. ... Continue reading »

For those of you who have not read The Grey Books: I am sorry, your life could have been so much better this past week and this blog will make absolutely no sense. Now if you have read The Grey Books don’t forget to buy more batteries when you go to the store; your husbands are wondering what happened to the ones in the TV remote. They are also wondering why you now own a riding crop and no horse. ... Continue reading »

The other night I was sitting up in bed watching Breaking Dawn on my laptop while Mike was snoring next to me. For those of you who have not heard of the Twilight series and are just now joining planet Earth: Welcome. I was at the part in the movie when Edward (the controlling vampire), sneaks into Bella’s (the dumb teenage human) room the night before they were getting married. Edward says “Bella, I have something to tell you…..I have killed lots of people.” And Bella says "It’s okay, I trust you." ... Continue reading »

Cavemen/women divorce rates were exactly the same as they are today. I reached this startling conclusion when I woke up this morning to 7 piles of Shih Tzu puke and 2 pissy children. I called Mike to thank him for leaving the barf for me. He said he knew nothing about it. I told him I already sent a sample to the lab to have it carbon dated and I can pretty much GUARANTEE the results are going to state “we verify with 99.99% accuracy this vomit is older than 6:30 am.” I then fought with my children for the next forty-five minutes to accomplish the challenging tasks of getting dressed and eating breakfast. I was so frustrated that I started to cry but turned my head as not to show any signs of weakness to my captors. Annnnnnd this is precisely what brings me back to cavepeople. ... Continue reading »

Hi Baby Loves. This week my dad wrote for me because he owes me for his partial contribution to my existence. He is a Buddist ninja that is really easy to make laugh. His mentionable extracurricular activities include public speaking, writing, building water features and meditating for long periods of time usually over Christmas so he does not have to buy anyone anything. He has a fake hip, a cool young wife and two cats. In his spare time he likes to take play the piano, plant corn in his front yard and put up Christmas lights. Let’s give a round of applause to Dave..... ... Continue reading »

I have been deeply contemplating my New Year’s Resolution this year. I fleetingly considered curtailing my use of the f-word but then realized this would likely fall in the category of self-destructive behavior. And since I have already spent an ungodly amount of money in therapy learning productive coping mechanisms, I would hate to disrupt my progress. Last year, I did not ask Mike any hypothetical questions for an entire year. (i.e.) “If you were stranded on an island with a supermodel who wanted to have sex with you and I would never know and you did not know if you would ever be rescued, would you have sex with her?” I really should have saved the “Hypothetical Resolution” for 2012 since it was extremely challenging and I would have been granted a reprieve when the world comes to end later this year. ... Continue reading »

A couple days ago I got hit on in the “Self-Help” section at Barnes and Noble. The guy pretended to be looking at books, ironically concerning addiction (probably sex) when he said “Haven’t I seen you here before?” Oh My God. Really? “Probably. I spend a LOT of time in the SELF-HELP section.” He laughed. I ignored. He continued “Maybe it was match.com then?” Oh My God, this is still happening. “Not unless one of my friends signed me up in a sordid attempt at being funny.” (And listed my preferences as old men with lisps and the teeth of a British aristocrat). He laughed again. “Would you like to go get a drink sometime?” Yep, still happening. “Oh, I am married to someone 11 years older than me. I have like maaaaajor daddy issues and he would probably say I cannot date you, but I can call him if you want. It is my time to check in anyway to see if he still loves me.” Poof, gone. ... Continue reading »

Recently my computer dork friend came over to assist me with my computer issues. From the moment we met our relationship has consisted of a steady diatribe of loving insults and genuine distrust. One time he came over and showed me how he hooked up a camera to a remote controlled robot in his house to spy on his wife. I told him if he made Mike one of those creepy fuckers, I was going to put it behind my back tire and throw my car in reverse. He also has cameras all over the outside of his house that he can check at any given time from various locations. I can only assume that this is to dissuade his wife from attempting to leave the premises. ... Continue reading »

All political talk shows should be on Comedy Central. They kill me. There is positively NOTHING funnier than watching a bunch of old white guys short-circuiting their pacemakers while discussing the national deficit. I bet television networks are required to obtain a separate insurance policy prior to the appearance of a guest commentator just in case the guy’s nervous, statistical dropping energy randomly combusts into a pile of shooting flames right in front of Bill O’Reilly who never even notices because he was too busy interrupting himself. Read on. ... Continue reading »

In the United States, all swallows are classified as migratory insectivorous birds under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918. Swallows are also protected by state regulations. It is illegal for any person to take, possess, transport, sell, or purchase swallows or their parts, such as feathers, nets, or eggs, without a permit. As a result, certain activities affecting swallows are subject to legal restrictions, such as removing nests, capture and release or destroying the birds. I am not a competitive person. Usually. ... Continue reading »