Vaginas Are Awesome

The Text Exchange Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow? Erin: Okay. Lisa: We have to be naked. Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina. Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00. Erin: Bye. ... Continue reading »

I am convinced Aretha Franklin has that disorder that makes her work out incessantly. I woke up last night at 3:00am because I heard a strange noise and she was running in her hamster wheel. I was like “Aretha, this has to stop. Don’t you see how beautiful you are? Don’t You? Don’t You? Now go to bed.” I blocked off her wheel only to be awoken an hour later to her repeatedly scurrying up and down her plastic tube. I told Mike that Aretha has body dysmorphia. He told me that hamsters are nocturnal. HA, YOU ARE SO WRONG. She was in her ball rolling around the house all day yesterday while the dogs chased her and then when I put her back into her cage she ate one kernel of corn and climbed back into her wheel. The sista has issues. ... Continue reading »

This past weekend I decided to shut down my personal facebook account. Hi my n-n-n-ame is Erin and I am addicted to social networking. (Hang head) I have been sober for almost two days now and let-me-tell-you this is not easy. I am sooooooooo glad I never smoked crack, I heard that shit is even worse if you could possibly imagine. And because I am like way too poor to check myself into that swanky rehab center in Utah like famous celebs I have just had to deal with the cold sweats and shakes all on my own. It is agonizing not knowing who went grocery shopping, has the flu or can answer twenty questions about me! Ahhhhhhh! ... Continue reading »

I love me a good joke. A week ago God played a great one on me. He arranged for me to have laryngitis on the same as Daylight Savings. It was a real knee slapper! It was so funny trying to raise my children from the dead, get them dressed, fed and off to school while not yelling at them. Yep, I pretty much f’ing loathe Daylight Savings. But a few hours later God and I were on speaking terms again because he arranged for our other house to go under contract. Anyway…… ... Continue reading »

A month ago, I picked up my teenage stepdaughter from the bus stop. Her best friend wanted a ride home too so she climbed in the front seat and she started teasing me about being old when I playfully punched her in the arm. She yelled “Oooooow Erin! Yesterday, my mom made me get one of those shots so I don’t get vagina warts!” OMG! I totally wish they would have had those when I was her age! KIDDING. Totally kidding. Hahahahahaha. Kidding. But this incident did remind me that my favorite time of year was coming up: my annual pap! ... Continue reading »

Following the birth of my oldest daughter I learned I could no longer take birth control pills since they posed a potential health risk due to blood clotting abnormality. I carry the recessive gene of this disorder which means that I am unlikely to ever suffer any consequence of this affliction with the exception of not being able to take medication that contains synthetic hormones. At the time this fascinating information was brought to my attention, I had not yet met my reproductive quota but was not quite ready to pop out another one. My loving husband said condoms took away from the experience. I told him so did pregnant wives. He whined. I caved. I talked to my gyno. He suggested a diaphragm. I said okay. ... Continue reading »