An Adenoid, A Lizard and A Circumcision

Five days until my daughter gets her tonsils and adenoids removed.  Before I became a mother, I never thought an adenoid could evoke this much emotion in me.  Truthfully, I didn’t even know what this particular part of the body was until I googled it and subsequently formed an attachment.  However, these said adenoids grew in my womb.  My daughter is totally chill about it.  I sort of feel like throwing up every time I think of her being out of my supervision, unconscious for thirty minutes.  Clearly, I have latent control issues that surface whenever adenoids are involved.  If my therapist is reading this, she is thinking “Cha-Ching.” 

I used to find anything and everything to feel guilty about.  Old Erin:  You probably fucked up her adenoids when you forgot to take your prenatal vitamins on the day you were getting fitted for your wedding dress which ironically corresponded with the day adenoids were being formed in utero.  Which brings up another point called: You were knocked up before you were married.  THE SHAME! THE SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Current Erin:  Hey Guilt- Fuck Off.  Yep, I went out and bought a female Crested Gecko Lizard today for my other kid.  Nope, was not in the plan but since her lizard died (again) she needed a new one.  We found one, paid for it and then went home to disinfect the aquarium in preparation for its new breathing tenant.  I then called Mike’s receptionist and asked her to take a message for me that said verbatim:  Mike- Could you please swing by Reptile Jungle on your way home and pick up Pearl?  She is our new pet.  She is a Crested Gecko.  We are going to let Pearl and Vinnie (our other gecko) have LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of babies.  Thanks (smiley face), Erin.  When 5:00 rolled around I just let the phone ring and ring thinking he was going to be pissed.  Finally after about the tenth call I got annoyed and answered.  He was totally cool with it!  See, it was a good thing I wasn’t feeling guilty; that would have been a real waste of energy.

Recently, I was talking to my east coast friend Jaime and the topic of guilt surfaced again.  She was telling me that a friend of hers’ likes to periodically remind her how immoral it is to circumcise infant boys because her friend has no life W-H-A-T-S-O-E-V-E-R.  I wonder if her friend has ever played Wii Dance 3?  I bet it would take her mind off of torturing people about penises for awhile.  I dance everyday and I hardly ever feel like discussing them.  Subsequently, Jaime feels an incalculable amount of guilt over her decision to circumcise her male children but was faced with a cultural dilemma: JAIME AND HER HUSBAND ARE JEWISH.  Annnnd Jewish weenies receive mandatory circumcisions.  End.Of.Pen-Story.

I told Jaime to hang in there (ba-dump-bump-bum) and that I would find a solution to ease her guilt.  My DNA is only compatible with X chromosomes so I do not have any boy children.  The only other penis I am around is Mike, sooooooooooo I called him at work and asked him how he felt about his circumcised appendage.  He said he felt fine.  I asked him if he feels any of his current issues are in direct relation to his circumcision.   He said no.  I asked if it still hurt and was he mad?  Again, no and no!  I told him we were having lasagna for dinner and to have a good rest of the day.  Elated I hung up and informed Jaime that she can let go of her guilt, MIKE TURNED OUT “RELATIVELY” NORMAL and HE LOVES HIS PENIS!  He graduated from dental school, is supah hot, can fix shit, makes above average children, got me to marry him…..LIKE HI! A TOTAL SUCCESSFUL CIRC STORY IF I HAVE EVER HEARD ONE!   

Bottom Line:  We can find anything and everything to feel bad about.  But here is a perspective: I once overheard someone say “A lump in your oatmeal and a lump in your breast are both lumps, but in total contrast of severity.”  So the next time shame and guilt decide to permeate your brain, ask yourself "is this is a true problem?” or “a fleeting inconvenience?”  99.9% of the time, the things that happen to me fall into the latter category.  Remove adenoids, buy a lizard, circumcise your baby or don’t.  In case you have not noticed, everything ALWAYS works out one way or another.  Peace Lovas, I have to go read a recently published article regarding the correlation between c-section babies and their increased probability of committing serious crime.  XO