Buying Shoes And Kicking Ass

Someone once told me the three most stressful things in life are divorce, a death in the family and purchasing a new home.  I disagree entirely.  This person has never gone shoe shopping with my five year old.  My daughter was furious because I refused to allow her to ride her bike with high heels and insisted she pick out a pair of tennis shoes.  I f’ing gave birth to Kim Kardashian.  By the time we left Stride Rite yesterday I was mumbling incoherently and had developed a nervous tic.  She said to me “I thought you were nice!”  Oh please. 

At this point I declared her platform as being entirely irrelevant since wearing high heels and wiping your own butt are amalgamated.  I then glanced at my watch and realized we were having this discussion seven years too early, consequently reaffirming my fear that karma does prevail.  My ass is going to be delivered to me on a silver platter with a fork sticking out the side.  Excuse me for a moment…..  Mom-I am so sorry for every bit of trouble and worry I caused you.  Forgive me for my ignorance.  Thank you dear mother for guiding me out of the harrowing shadows of youth, for never giving up on me until the day I left for college and for managing to mold my befuddled soul of clay into the exemplary housewife I am today. 

Next topic:  I signed up to get eco-friendly cleaning supplies from a renown company so I can feel better about all the cleaning I don’t do.  Sales presentations freaking CRACK ME UP.  I was sitting there listening to a woman go on and on about how these products have changed her life in unfathomable ways; her husband “got over” cancer (twice), her kids have never seen a booger, the bleach they use is powerful enough to kill the deadliest of staph infections yet versatile enough to use as mouthwash, the vitamins she takes give her the energy of a three year old drinking Red Bull etc. etc..  Look, I seriously hope my dish washing detergent does make my family as happy as she is.  But if I am still kicking at ninety-five, I am canceling my account.  I don’t want this shit to make me live forever.

In addition to being a housewife, I am also a savvy businesswoman.  I was recently contacted by a darling woman who created a product line known as “Kick Ass Skincare”.  She asked if I would try her product and possibly advertise for her if I liked it.  No prob.  I went ahead and gave her my neighbor’s address in case she was some religious zealot seeking retribution for God by throwing in some bonus anthrax to punish me for my sinful ways.  A week later I found a box that had been chucked on my lawn.  I unwrapped my Kick Ass Skincare and hopped in the shower to try it out…….on my right ass cheek.  Hi.  I am not stupid, people are crazy and I am not going to purposely jack up my face. 

Ironically, I was just as surprised as you to find that my right ass cheek now looks significantly more taunt and svelte than my left.  Even Mike confirmed my suspicion on one of the numerous occasions I mooned him.  You should scroll down to the bottom and see my before and after ass pictures.  Totally f’ing with you, like I would do that for free!  Anyhow, if you are looking for something to make you prettier on the outside I can safely endorse this product annnnnnnd if you are not, than you are probably vain.  JUST KIDDING!  I totally love vain people!  Just go buy some at www.kickassskincare.com and tell them Erin sent you.

Smoochies to all you knuckleheads!  Have a wonderful weekend!  XO

P.S.  Do NOT send me any pictures of your asses.  I will in no way find this cute or endearing.  I mean it Chad, Kris, Billy, Nate, Pao, Uncle Michael and Dad.