My Big Bang

Email I recieved yesterday:

For some reason I looked your website up tonight. It's been a long time since I have seen you. I remember when your mouth was much more delicate. I know that same essence of beauty still remains inside of you. It would be humbling if you could raise your talent to the higher regard for beauty that you were called for. You see, something that I have learned through my experience is that the calling for decency is viewed as weak and vulnerable, and is often valued but grossly misunderstood. However true that may be at my level, it has been long since written as highly observed at the eternal: "And he will bring justice to the nations. He will not quarrel, nor scream at people. You will not be able to hear his voice above the chatter of the street. In bringing discernment of what is good and right to the point that it actually governs human existence, he will not even use the violence it takes to finish breaking a stick that is already cracked or smother a smoking wick." -Isa 42 1:4 That passage has captured my heart since I first read it. Think of it…The Lord’s countenance, in his utmost power and sovereign position, chooses to remain meek and gentle in demeanor concerning his affairs with us. Why? Because it is beautiful. I have learned that it takes an incredible amount of discipline to simply be decent; more discipline than Navy SEAL training, and that it is a calling above mediocrity. I’m not sure if you would agree with me if I said that your beautiful heart is not as profane as the character on your blog, Erin. But you don’t have to agree with me in order for it to be true; there has always been an eternal sweetness and about you. I’m sure that the key is not far out of reach. I wish for you to keep in mind that the rose in a very special way- and more generally the flower, even in its most humble form- is a fragile but irrepressible witness on earth to a "larger" world where good is somehow safe. 

My Response:

Hi-

Thank you so much for your input!  As you claim to have not seen me for awhile, I hope your path is treating you well.  I realize my website is not appealing to everyone and fortunately there is not a mandatory reform demanding you read it.  If following your advice makes your world spin, than go for it!  I hope EVERYONE finds happiness and peace in this life.  I do not judge you for your beliefs and I presume you do not judge others for theirs.... I wish you nothing but the best! 

Much Love,

Erin XO  

Reet Reet Reet!  Right?!  I have decided there is pretty much nothing creepier than sending an anonymous email to someone at 1:00 am quoting Bible verses.  “THE OMEN 2012” is now playing in a theater near you!  W.T.F.  How about just saying “Your blog sucks” or I-know-I-am-going-out-on-a-limb with the overtly obvious “if you don’t like it don’t read it” approach?  I am totally going to sneak over to Mike’s side of the bed tonight while he is sound asleep and stand over him holding a flashlight under my face “Miiiiichael…..Jesus spoke to me and he waaaants you to buy me some diamond earrings…..Oooooohhhhhh  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.”  Shiver.    

There was a time in my life when the mere thought of upsetting someone would induce a state of sheer panic.  To avoid feeling any unpleasant emotion whatsoever, I mastered the arts of playing “perfect” and peacemaking in exchange for my adrenal glands.  I always got good grades, I graduated from college, I married a doctor, my house was impeccable, I always looked pretty, my children wore matching clothes and I was constantly doing favors for people so they would “like” me despite my near toxic anxiety levels.  “But Erin” you gasp in mocked horror “What happened to you?”  Alas, it is time you all know the truth.  Brace yourselves as this may come as a shock………… Someone got really mad at me.

No seriously, I actually allowed some asshole to verbally assault me on his front porch and not only did I stand there and take it but then I went home and cried for Three.Goddamn.Days.Of.My.Life.  I was so ill equipped to deal with this emotion that I became crippled in pain and self-loathing.  Nothing my mom, Mike or my sister said could soothe me and I finally tipped the scale of what would become my personal “Big Bang Explosion” (physics term, not mine perverts).  I was so desperate that I actually sought help and not surprisingly, it reallllllllllllly sucked for awhile.  AND THEN a brilliant transformation began to take place as I slowly dispelled the belief systems I had clung to and replaced them with ones that better suited me.

Now it is entirely possible I stayed in therapy just a wee bit too long because the pendulum did swing fiercely over to the darkside once I figured out what the fuck was going on with me.  If that incident were to occur today, it is likely that I would tell him to “Go suck on a Xanax, Douchebag” or “I hope you get humped by a gorilla” (oh caaaaaaaalm down, we live in Colorado not the jungle) and probably wouldn’t even remember to tell Mike because it would be that insignificant.  But I do realize the incident was perfectly orchestrated since the mad dude unknowingly gave me the greatest gift I have ever received.  He served as the catalyst for my mental remodel which probably saved my life.

And the ultimate irony?  My life is perfect now.  The kids sometimes tell me I am ruining their lives.  Mike and I drive each other insane some days.  Our special needs Shih-Zhu will not stop shitting on the floor.  The house does not always get cleaned.  I run late.  I have caught my children wiping boogers on the wall.  I say mother fucker when I stub my toe.  I don’t feel obscenely guilty when I tell Mike to bring home Chinese because going grocery shopping had the same appeal of buying a set of expensive white fabric couches.   

And on the other hand, we have fun.  I have friends that would do anything for me and vice versa if something came up.  I appreciate and love my family more than I ever dreamed possible.  I can forgive and have empathy rather than sympathy for others.  I feel loved and accepted by the universe and rarely meet anyone I don't absolutely adore.  The gifts I give come from spirit, which render an entirely different result.  I have met more people, learned more things and laughed harder in the last 3 years than I have in my entire life.  When my pal anxiety shows up, I know it is time to stop and make sure the train is on the track.  But the greatest testament of personal growth?   I am happy.  Like really happy.  So make this week glorious and quit sending me weird shit in the night; learning how to set my burglar alarm was a pain in the fucking ass.  Love to you all!!!!! XO