Mechanical Error

Last night I was working out listening to the Jersey Boys soundtrack on my iPod when I was reminded of the time my parents inadvertently set me up on a blind date despite the fact that I am indeed married to Mike.  This made me start laughing and trip.  My iPod fell on the treadmill and catapulted across my basement which made me laugh harder.  At times I wonder how I was able to land myself such a bad ass for a husband with my overwhelming lack of dexterity and social graces but then I remembered that I like having sex so I guess it ends up being a wash.  Anywho….

A couple years ago my mom invited Mike and I to go see a play with her and my stepfather, Bob.  My stepdad is a mechanic and the company he works for generously gives all the employees play tickets once a year in lieu of a Christmas bonus.  I thought it was mighty generous that I received an invite considering my stepdad has worked the better part of his life under a car covered in grease, fantasizing of the day his futile laborious efforts would be recognized in the form of 4 tickets to see the Jersey Boys at the Denver Center of Performing Arts.  Of course I wanted to be there on his special night!  Mike told me he would rather pass a kidney stone than attend.  So in a mature effort to make him feel guilty for blowing me off me, I put on a little black dress and made myself look extra “stay-at-home-mom hot” that night.

When I arrived at my parents’ house we loaded up into their car and my mom informed me that “Bob’s friend Larry from work is also going with us since Mike didn’t want to go.  The poor guy just got a divorce after being married forever and we didn’t want him to go alone.”  That’s cool, whatever.   We pulled up to Larry’s house and he climbed into the backseat with me.  We said hello to each other and started making small talk.  Then my mom giggled and said “Oh My Gawd, I didn’t even think about it but it is like you guys are on a first date.”  We all laughed uncomfortably and I informed Larry that “I had not been on a date with anyone other than my husband since I got married!” 

My parents thought the situation they had created was positively hysterical.  Poor Larry actually looked nervous.  We arrived at the play and found our seats amongst all their co-workers who now assumed I was Larry’s new scantily dressed, rebound bang.  I glared at my mom who was still laughing amongst the whispers reverberating among their cohorts.  I just sat there and shook my head, glad I could be the sacrificial vessel of entertainment for the evening.  Oh yes, I thought to myself, now I remember why I live 45 minutes away in a gated community. 

As it turned out the play was great and to his credit, Larry was a perfect gentleman.  Much to my mother’s dismay, he did not try to kiss me or even hold my hand.  During the intermission, while my mom and I were in the bathroom reapplying our lipstick, I told her he was a nice guy but I just didn’t think we had a lot of chemistry.  I went on to say that I was just not ready to date yet considering Mike and I were happily married until 2 hours ago.  She nodded her head understandingly and gave me a hug.

After the play was over, we dropped Larry back off at his house.  I politely told him I had a great time and that we should definitely do it again!  He asked me if I wanted to come in for a drink.  My parents were howling.  When I got home later that night, I recounted my evening to Mike who also started laughing and promptly rolled over and went to sleep.  Unfuckingbelivable.  XO