Time to Shape Up

Quick update: For those of you who have not already been notified via Facebook, my mermaid birthday seduction idea for Mike totally tanked.  I borrowed my friend Mer’s mermaid costume, flopped onto the bed as promised and then promptly started itching uncontrollably.  Mer has 2 cats and I happen to be allergic to them as discussed in a previous blog.  I was covered in hives and Mike, while amused, clearly did not find me sexually appealing in the least despite my protests that “this has happened before (well, not dressed as a mermaid) and I have never gone into anaphylactic shock.”  Anyhow, I roofied myself with Benedryl and passed out.  I am fairly certain that Mike did not take advantage of my precarious situation as I was in the exact same position when I woke up and my ass did not hurt.  Now on to more pertinent news.

I had a horrible, horrible dream last night.  I actually woke up covered in sweat, with a knot in my stomach, almost crying, bad mood this morning.  I had been up all night with a sick kid (mine for clarification) and I must have drifted off to sleep at some point.  I woke up entirely frazzled and stumbled to the coffee pot.  It took me a minute to realize it wasn’t real and that everything was okay after all.  And do you want to know what this terrifying, angst filled, gut wrenching nightmare was?  DO YOU????? DO YOU REALLLLLLLYYY WANT TO KNOW?????  I dreamed my vacuum cleaner broke.  No, it didn’t cheat on me, it didn’t try to murder me, it didn’t try to suck up my children; I just plugged it in and it would not work.  OMG.  What is happening to me?

Just as I had calmed down and made my re-entry into reality, my dogs decided that it would be fun to play a joke on me and coordinate their morning dumps with the neighborhood manorexic ‘s first jog of the day on the path behind our house.   I watched in disbelief as my fat Yorkie scaled the wall and started chasing the guy in hot pursuit.  I did not know if I was more scared that my dog would go into cardiac arrest from actually moving for the first time in 3 years or get hit by one of the thousand cars driving by. 

I bolted out the door wearing only a pair of underwear, slippers and one of Mike’s t-shirts and yelled for the guy to stop.  Only he had his headphones on and could not hear me and was completely oblivious to the fact that he was being trailed by a pregnant squirrel and a naked woman.  Finally, right before we hit the Canadian boarder the a-hole stopped.  I scooped up my dog and walked back home ignoring the people gawking as we walked by.  What, like you don’t ever walk your dog almost naked every now and then?  You should try it.  It was liberating. 

Anyhow, it is 10:00am and I am pretty sure I would be having my period this week if I didn’t always insist on playing God with my birth control pills.  I am also pretty sure my HOA will be calling shortly to “strongly encourage me to wear appropriate attire when walking my dog, as next time they will be issuing me a ticket.”  And I am fairly positive that if I turn on my vacuum today, I will electrocute myself.  Okay universe, I will shape up.  I swear.  This time I mean it, no more jokes on Mike, or teasing innocent people and I will quit buying pets.  You win.  XO