Thank You All Mostly Me

Welcome to newly renovated ErinSays.  It is fabulous isn’t it?  Now before we get to the skinny of the past couple weeks there are some people I need to thank.

First:  Myself.  Hi, lets’s be honest, none of this would have been possible if I did not think of it.  You are welcome.

Next:  God.  For making me.  (Badass drum solo)

Next:  Jack McDaniel/My Computer Bitch:  Jack could detonate a nuke from his office with his nerd brain powers but he chooses to build websites for housewives instead.  Interestingly, he does not reside in India and always answers his phone which are two extremely rare chromosomal abnormalities of people working in IT.  Jack does what I tell him to do which is a quality I simply ADORE in people.  (Seriously though- I find it is extremely effective to instill a constructive level of fear in my subordinates.)  Just kidding Jack, please don’t hack into my account, tell everyone I am filthy whore and change the password again.  

Next:  Jimmy.  This guy can photoshop the living shit out of anyone.  He takes such amazing pics, you would NEVER recognize me if we randomly met in public.  He says things like, “Just be yourself.  Okay well maybe don’t be so much of yourself.  Less teeth.  Suck in your stomach.  You really had laser hair removal? etc.”  I appreciate honesty in a person if it is for the purpose of making me look prettier.  You will love him, it is like having virtual plastic surgery.

Next:  Yorkies.  Every single one in the world.  

Next:  My family.  For fucking me up just enough to give me a demented outlook on life but not so much that I turned into a drug addict.  Oh I forget to tell you.  I write a blog now.  I mostly write about you guys.  Mom- I am sorry I acted like a little asshole when I was a teenager.  I am going to need you to sign a release waiver because people love reading about you and your cat.  Sissy-  I really appreciate all your help.  I am sorry I used to tell you that mom liked my name better than yours since she had me first and did not know you were going to be born.  If it makes you feel better, some people probably think you are prettier than me.  Dad- My therapist and I are just starting to delve into my issues surrounding you so consider this a preemptive thanks.  I am not quite there yet but I totally love you.

Next:  My daughters.  One day this will all make sense.  I swear.  And I will totally babysit for you when I am not on one of my spiritual retreats or vacationing in the Cayman’s with your aunt.  I love you sweethearts.  I truly did not know what love or hilarity was until your delightful souls entered my life and subsequently changed it forever.  

Next:  Mike.  I know marriage is work and even though you can be difficult I know we will be together forever and ever and evvvvvver.  One day, the kids we are leasing rooms to in our house will move out and we will have so much time to spend together.....shoe shopping at Nordstroms, talking about our relationship, planting lots of flowers, getting matching Yorkie puppies to replace our children, picking out a new anniversary diamond for me, snuggling on the couch watching romantic comedies, taking care of me when I recover from my face lifts.  I love you darling.

Lastly:  My Readers/Friends.  In my wildest dreams (and I have had some hot ones) I never imagined I would be writing.  This blog has altered my perceptions of human life in incalcuable ways and revealed to me what a blessing life truly is.  (Well, sometimes it sucks ass but I rally.)  Not a single day goes by where I do not laugh which will inevitably cost Mike a fortune in botox.  I have heard that the more you laugh the longer you live so I plan on ceasing communication with you all, starting to smoke and jaywalking around 90-ish.  My heart is filled with immense gratitude and my underwear with urine because of you people.  Thank you so, so much for your support.  I love you all.  XO