Marriage

One of the four neighbors whom I actually like moved right before Thanksgiving. She needed some help moving some miscellaneous items like a propane tank and a gas can that apparently wouldn’t fit in her giant car (?), so I graciously loaded them into mine and made the trek into the city. I decided to bring one of my daughters with me since my kid has never been outside our gated community and I think it is important to expose them to other cultures on occasion. ... Continue reading »

It is a fair assessment to say that Mike and I are obsessed with each other. We are constantly kissing, groping and touching one another. We make each other laugh and watch violent crime shows together. Our relationship is seriously amazeballs. I have even gone as far as getting a henna tattoo that lasted upwards to three weeks of an “M” on my wrist to proclaim my eternal devotion to him. We have been together for thirteen years and we are like seriously in passionate, baby making, soul shaking LOOOOOOOVE. Except when we travel and then we fucking hate each other. ... Continue reading »

On our first wedding anniversary I poured my heart and soul (although hollowed, I still have one. Bite me) into a card for Mike. I then waited with eager anticipation as he handed me his card which read: “Erin- We have had our ups. We have had our downs. Happy Anniversary. Love, Mike.” More sentiment has gone into the final appeal for serial baby killers on death row. I tossed my eloquently penned love note into the trash without letting him read it. Soooo that’s how you want to play pal? Game.On. I hate trying to remember this type of shit anyway. ... Continue reading »

I used to feel sorry for people with Celiac’s disease. Not anymore. I accidentally bought a bag of gluten-free ginger snaps and they are pretty much BOMB. Mmmmmm…Mmmmmmm….Mmmmmmmmmm. I am typing with one hand so I can keep eating. Anyway, Mike got home from Dallas on Saturday. While the girls were engrossed in a movie downstairs, I decided to give him a quick welcome home present…in the closet. We shimmied out of our clothes and started to get it on when all of a sudden I heard one of the kids. Mike whispered “Just be quiet, we can finish up.” Um yeah hi, I am on anti-anxiety medication. Sting could get off faster than me. ... Continue reading »

Me: I can only assume your silence pertaining to this matter is your angled attempt to see if I accidentally forgot about Christmas this year. Shockingly, I didn’t. I am going to need you to bring Big Baby up from the basement and then go hang up the Christmas lights outside.

Mike: (Pouring a glass of wine) I had a patient come in today who is a firefighter. Last year he fell off the ladder while hanging Christmas lights, broke both his legs and had to get stitches in his elbow. ... Continue reading »

Mike and I have decided to start dating again. Each other. Chill, we ain’t that socially liberal, I just read that courting your spouse can make being married fun. We have been golfing twice now and last weekend we went out to dinner and saw Dennis Miller perform. As I expressed to my friends on facebook, I do not understand Dennis Miller jokes. So Mike just laughed and laughed while I took pictures of our heads and compared how big Mike’s melon was next to mine. I was like “Hey I think I figured out why your mom has doesn’t like you. If I had to push your massive cranium out of my body I would probably harbor resentment towards you as well.” And he said “She had a c-section.” And I was like “Oh sorry, nevermind.” ... Continue reading »

I may be deceased when you read this and if so, thank you all for reading it has been a pleasure writing for you. Mike left for his annual golf trip and I painted his office bathroom bright pink. He comes home today. This brain child has been incubating for a good month in my medulla oblongata ever since Eye Candi (his associate) said “I want to have the computer guy photo shop one of Mike’s office walls pink and then I will send him the picture when he is gone.” And because I am an asshole, I was like “Fuck that, why don’t we just paint it pink?” And Eye Candi said “Well, he did say to make myself comfortable here….” And I said “Weeeeeeell then there you go.” And so we did it. I am going to feel really bad if she gets fired because I have developed a fondness for her but if push comes to shove, it was totally her idea. ... Continue reading »

Mike became a man of God last weekend. I suppose I should be happy for him but instead I am finding myself increasingly annoyed at the pious attitude he has assumed in conjunction with his new title “Reverend Moroni.” Now every time the kids start fighting or the hamster (her name is Aretha Franklin) bites me, he is like “Erin, please refrain from using the Lord’s name in vain in my presence.” Let me back this ass up. My sister is getting married in 6 weeks. Since our parents raised us as heathens, we have no affiliation to any church/synagogue/mosque/cult. ... Continue reading »

After I had been blogging for awhile I noticed two things. 1) I no longer get invited to family reunions and 2) People begin conversations with “I sort of don’t want to tell you this because I know you are going to write about it.” Even my doctor who recommended I start using a netti pot prefaced his treatment plan with this phrase. This sort of makes me wonder if he will tell me if I catch cancer or AIDS. Last week I had to go to my other doctor to go get a “wellness/med check.” ... Continue reading »

My in-laws were in town this past week. In terms of their overall satisfaction with me as their daughter-in-law they rate me 3 out of 5 stars. How was I supposed to know that the air mattress bed I bought for them was going to deflate at 2:00am leaving them tangled in a plastic abyss? Come on that is hysterical!!!! And seriously, I cannot think of a single person that does not like broccoli! I would never have served it for 5 consecutive nights had I known! I make a concerted effort to overlook our differences because I see the big picture: they made Mike, who made money, which I then used to buy my beloved dogs. ... Continue reading »

A few weeks ago my photographer friend Jen from high school sent me a message on facebook asking if I would be interested in doing a “Boudoir” photo shoot. I responded with “Bummer, we just had our family photos taken!” Jen then informed me that “Boudoir Photographs” are sexy pics intended for your significant other. Oh gross. We totally did not take sexy family pictures. ... Continue reading »

A couple days ago Mike went and met with our accountants to discuss something called taxes (?). Whatever. I refused to go because last year I was so bored I kept stabbing myself in the leg under the table with a fork and counting spilled sugar granules to stay awake. I also told Mike I was going to tell those dudes to figure out how to get my boob job written off. He said I could stay home. ... Continue reading »

Every year for Christmas I like to buy a sexy little outfit for Mike to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. Last year I bought Naughty Mrs. Claus. Did you know they sold different size pasties? Me neither. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. This year I decided to keep it simple and bought an expensive sexy pair of red velvet underwear trimmed in white fur. They came in the mail. I threw them in the wash and forgot about them. ... Continue reading »

I have not been able to update my blog for the past week due to unforeseen circumstances: I didn’t feel like it. Now, before I can get to the juice I have some business matters to address. At Thanksgiving, I learned through the grapevine (my family) that a certain genetic relation (my family) feels I have a “skewed view on sex and marriage and that I am mean to Mike”. First reaction: Pissed. Second Reaction Compliments o’ Therapy: I realized this asinine, unsolicited judgement bothered me because 2 of the 3 accusations were actually correct. ... Continue reading »

Earlier today I was at the zoo with my daughter when I received a phone call from my friend Vanessa:

Vanessa: Hi Erin! Jeff and I are going to go see the new Twilight movie tonight and we wanted to see if you and Mike wanted to go with us!

Me: What? Jeff is going with you to a Twilight movie? Did he turn gay and you guys decided just to stay together for the kids?

Yippppeeee! Tomorrow is marital counseling day! I love marital counseling day. It is the day that Mike and I go sit awkwardly on a couch and discuss the things that annoy us about each other so we don’t get divorced. For instance, I recently learned it bugs the living shit out of Mike that I am not strict about the girls’ bed times because it infringes on our “alone time”. I am making a conscious effort to think about working on this. On the other hand, I was able to communicate to Mike that it makes me want to punch him in the head when he chews next to me and that I know exactly how many bites it takes for him to masticate a carrot over my head when I am trying to write. But one of my favorite parts of therapy is remembering the things we actually like about each other! For instance, I happen to fall in love with Mike all over again whenever we are at an airport because it reminds me of the time he ran over a dead bird with my suitcase. ... Continue reading »

Quick update: For those of you who have not already been notified via Facebook, my mermaid birthday seduction idea for Mike totally tanked. I borrowed my friend Mer’s mermaid costume, flopped onto the bed as promised and then promptly started itching uncontrollably. Mer has 2 cats and I happen to be allergic to them as discussed in a previous blog. I was covered in hives and Mike, while amused, clearly did not find me sexually appealing in the least despite my protests that “this has happened before (well, not dressed as a mermaid) and I have never gone into anaphylactic shock.” Anyhow, I roofied myself with Benedryl and passed out. I am fairly certain that Mike did not take advantage of my precarious situation as I was in the exact same position when I woke up. Now on to more pertinent news. ... Continue reading »

You know that saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” usually I find this to be totally true. Example? I dumped a hot pilot that I met when I had jury duty for Mike who was even hotter, had a rocking personality and didn’t say things like “Delta, Alpha, Niner prepare for take off” when we were fooling around in a pitiable attempt to turn me on. And to further illustrate my point: Mike decided to make an honest woman out of me. It was so romantic. He got totally smashed in Mexico, proposed to me, stumbled back to our hotel and barfed all night. Did he mean to ask me to marry him? I have no idea. But it appears to be working, so whatever. ... Continue reading »

All last week my in-laws were in town. That was actually not the funny part. We all sitting there having an awkward family dinner when my sister-in-law (who used to not like me but I have sort of grown on her like a fungus over the years) reminded me of the time Mike took his daughter and they took their kids to Disneyland when we first met. I had only known Mike a few weeks and I needed to wrap up some loose ends with a few other “gentlemen callers” since we were getting serious and Italians can be absurdly dramatic when it comes to casually dating 5 or 6 other dudes at the same time. Whatever.

For the past 10 years, I have heard about this stupid trip countless times because The Little Mermaid was such a HOT attraction. Mike and his brother could seriously not get enough of this broad. “The line was just filled with dads and lesbians waiting in unbearable heat for hours with their kids just to get a glimpse of this chick” and “She had the most amazing shell covered boobs” and “The thousands of pictures they took were for the children” (even though the kids’ heads were cut off in most of them) and “Do you think she had red hair down under?” Blah, blah, blah…. ... Continue reading »

Last weekend Mike and I celebrated our anniversary. Right before we left for dinner I realized one of my beloved dogs was acting like she did not feel well. Mike and I went out to dinner and when we returned, my precious little Maggie was obviously feeling worse. She had not touched her little treat or pooped on the floor while we were gone. Clearly, this was serious. Not sensing the gravity of the situation, Mike told me to chill out and just her to the vet on Monday. ... Continue reading »