People I Fucking Love

Today my daughters requested that I notify them prior to entering the basement when they are playing dolls. I narrowed my eyes at them. I know exactly what this means... their Barbies are now sexually active. Because we were poor growing up, my family could not afford to purchase an actual “Ken” doll. My Barbie was forced to have sex with one of my brother’s G.I. Joe’s. I just pretended she had really low self-esteem and was willing to settle for a short guy. I proudly informed Mike our children were meeting their developmental milestones. ... Continue reading »

I always knew I would grow up to marry a doctor or an oil magnate. I just never imagined I would actually love him. Oddly enough however, I freaking L-O-V-E my husband. Like after thirteen years together, the sound of Mike’s chewing doesn’t always make me want to punch him in the throat and I have come to adore his unconventional and often disturbing grasp of the vernacular. ... Continue reading »

North Korean Dictator, Kim Jung Un, finally resurfaced after he had been MIA for a few weeks. I called Crime Stoppers to tip them off that he was working as a private contractor in my children’s school district. I suspected Kim had been hired to assist with the implementation of dogmatic rule and unyielding submission to authority since his business model has proven to be uber effective in his weird-ass, flag-twirling country. ... Continue reading »

Two days before Mike and I left for California to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary, I decided to have a microderm and a “gentle” chemical peel to make my face glow much as it did the day he married me (yes, I was totally pregnant). The procedure smarted a bit, but logic suggested this should be expected, since I was paying someone to put acid on my face. Forty-five minutes later, my keen intuition suggested that something was definitely askew since my face was on fucking F.I.R.E. ... Continue reading »

Last Friday was the annual Father/Daughter Dance at my kids’ school. I was walking out the door after finishing my weekly obligatory “I have unresolved guilt from my childhood” volunteer duties, when I noticed the decorations for the dance and my head slowly tilted to the side. W.T.F. I stared in absolute bewilderment and incomprehensible joy at the hundreds of inflated pink balloons, meticulously tied together and woven into a gigantic latex marvel for all to see. I could feel my lips start to quiver as I imagined the masses of little girls and their fathers walking through a magical, towered archway of.....wait for it......waaaaaaait for it......tits. Yes. Tits. Hundreds upon hundreds of tits. ... Continue reading »

I have recently learned my sister lives in the only house in all of Ireland that cannot obtain Internet service by “3 kilometers” (whatever the fuck that means) due to the location of her residence. I am both perturbed and amused by her ingenuity to elude her family. I moved to a gated community to keep them out, she moved to a different COUNTRY without an actual zip code and claims broadband issues to throw off our scent. ... Continue reading »

It has been one week since my sister and niece moved to Ireland. Even more upsetting? They legalized weed in Colorado the day before she left. It would have been so much more fun if she was here to join Grandma, mom and me. However, the worst part of having her gone is that I keep unexpectedly dissolving into fits of ugly crying over everything. Last night I made tater tots and all I could think was, “I cannot believe you are eating these Erin! How could you be so selfish? Your sister is in the midst of a potato famine.” I only ate a few and threw the rest out I was so upset. ... Continue reading »

Before we get to this week’s happenings, I want to discuss something very serious and entirely disturbing with you. I recently discovered a picture of me when I was about three years old standing in front of a fireplace butt naked except for a grubby Star Wars shirt, holding a can of beer. I turned the picture over and in my mother’s elegant handwriting were the words ‘Brat Child 1982’. Um WTF. Seriously? My parents let me drink beer out of a CAN. How disgusting. I bet their cheap asses wouldn’t even spring for a package of new hypodermic needles so I just played with the ones I found at the park. Anywaaaaaays..... ... Continue reading »

*Roller skates were first patented by Belgium inventor John Joseph Merlin in 1760. Three hundred and fifty years later people are still fucking themselves up because of this asshole.

Last weekend, Mike and I took our daughters roller skating. My olfactory senses were immediately assaulted by the repugnant smell of pubescent pheromones and body odor. I took to the rink flanked by my eight year old and someone’s unsupervised toddler on crack. Memories of slow skating with my junior high boyfriend while listening to ‘Boyz 2 Men’ came flooding to me. My boyfriend with zits told me he “liked my bangs.” To his credit, he was rather astute as my bangs were magnificent. They were very tall and stiff and I spent forty-five minutes every day styling them. One day my mom had to take me to the doctor and he patted me on the head when we were leaving. My bangs did not like being touched by strangers and so they stabbed him. My doctor stared at me like I had a giant penis growing out of my forehead and told my mom to take me to a specialist for further testing. ... Continue reading »

Last Monday was the Justin Bieber concert in Denver. Holy.Pubescent.Pandemonium. My daughters were absolutely beside themselves, I was laughing hysterically watching them while Mike stayed on the phone with the suicide hotline. I have never been to a rave but I imagine this is what one would be like sans the acid and all the little kids. At one point Justin threw his dirty sweat towel into the crowd and the girl who caught it actually started sobbing hysterically….because she was happy. Wtf. That guy could throw his shit into the crowd and people would go insane. Actually, I think he should do that. I would like to see someone catching a shit. ... Continue reading »

Last Thursday was the big trip to Las Vegas with Grandma. My aunt made all the travel arrangements since I have a tendency to book flights based on reputable airlines and their convenient departure times because I deplore the disruption of my circadian rhythm. My aunt however, found a smoking deal on some airline I had never heard of. I decided it would be in my best interest to refrain from googling their fiery crash verses successful landing statistics prior to takeoff. My optimism prevailing, I went ahead and spray tanned because Grandma is hot and I did not want her hogging all the attention in Vegas. I packed a suitcase of hand sanitizer and penicillin and went to pick up my aunt the next morning. ... Continue reading »

On Wednesday I am going to get a chemical peel on my face. I like to do this periodically so I can really appreciate how much my face doesn’t hurt on an average day. The Russian woman that does my peels has that disease where you don’t feel pain because she always tells me “this not hurt and then you pretty in one week.” The very first time I paid to have acid put on my face I decided not to tell Mike because I wanted him to think I just turned naturally beautiful. Unfortunately I looked like a leper that made out with a sidewalk so I confessed and he started laughing and called me a “dumbass.” And I was like “Oh puh-leeeeeze Mike, you know as well as I do that we all want to look good. I suppose now you are going to tell me you exercise for your health.” Whatever. ... Continue reading »

Guess What? I have a life coach now and her name is Karen. She is going to teach me how to reach even bigger goals than just getting through the day! I have not been this excited since I was seated next to a shrink on the way back from Disneyworld who ended up becoming one of my best friends after he gave me a free therapy session. Fortunately Trevor is not a fan of vaginas so Mike doesn’t care when we hang out. Which also reminds me….hang on…..climbing to the top of my soapbox…..out of breath…..okay…….I don’t get why something as insignificant as sexual preface receives the momentous amount of publicity that it does. I cannot be the only one that finds this topic to be more confusing than Bruce Jenner’s face. Assuming you are not having sexual relations with children or my husband then I really cannot discern why it is anyone else’s fucking business. ... Continue reading »

Recently my doctor friend told me I probably had ADD and that I would probably love adderall. My brain instantly began sorting through data until I landed on adderall. Aaaaahhhh yes, I saw a Dateline special about this drug…….teenagers stealing it, soccer-moms getting addicted and selling their children for it. I told him I would think about it but considering I have made it thirty-three years without becoming addicted to anything other than sex it seems sort of pointless. I informed my friends of my suspected diagnosis and they were like “Annnnnnd this is a surprise to you?” Thanks for telling me assholes. I will be sure to ask you if I ever have a suspicious mole. My sister said “I don’t think you have ADD but you should totally take the medicine. You could have your book written by Friday. I took half of adderall in college and wrote two eighteen page essays in one night without a single error.” Anyway, because I relying on the assumption that I now have ADD I am going be discussing a menagerie of topics in this blog so try to keep up. ... Continue reading »

Highlights of Our Hawaiian Vacation

*Let’s get this party started!!!!! My mom used the bathroom at the airport. She came out laughing and informed us that 2 Hawaiian dudes were in there cleaning the Women’s Restroom while all these chicks and transvestites were using the bathroom. Their mops kept slopping up against her feet while she peeing. When she stood up she accidentally dropped her expensive tube of lipstick down the crapper where it automatically flushed despite her frantic attempts to salvage it. ... Continue reading »

Since this country currently has a asinine law titled “You cannot get married because you are gay and your sexual preference is clearly wrong whereas mine is right despite my reputable habits of employing call-girls and soliciting sex from airport bathrooms unbeknownst to my wife,” I have decided to write my own law. It is called “If you are an over the age of fifty, burnt out flight attendant you will automatically be transferred to prisons housing the world’s most dangerous criminals and/or convicted terrorists where you will be granted tenure for your stoic ability to remain bitchy and unmoved in even the most adverse of conditions.” ... Continue reading »

Sorry. I have been busy, I have not forgotten about you guys. First, I got stuck in a car wash without my cell phone. It just kept washing and washing and washing and washing me but would not let me out. A half an hour later, the kids were like “Just Get Out Mommy.” Hi YOU get out, it is f’ing winter time in Colorado. I tried to pull forward. Nothing. I tried it again. Nothing. Finally the back of the car wash opened and I backed out. Bubbles were all over the place, I could not see very well and I scraped my car on the side of the car wash. ... Continue reading »

Whenever I laugh, I cry. I cannot help it; this has been a problem for awhile. Right now I am sobbing. I was looking at my sister’s fb wall and she posted a positive affirmation for herself saying “I am yes person. I am a yes person. I am yes person.” Clearly she did not think this out. So underneath I typed: ... Continue reading »

A few years ago, I was not sleeping. I was restless and agitated. I had birthed adorable children, ensnarled a sexy Italian husband, was the proud owner of a pet Yorkie and carried a totally chic Burberry purse. Yet something was still missing in my life and it wasn’t just my left breast…...it occurred to me I didn’t have a gay male best friend! I immediately went out and made one. And I was right……it is pretty much AWESOOOOOOME. Finally I had someone in my life that connects with me on a more mature emotional level and can also lift heavy shit. Trevor is undoubtedly a more evolved species, encapsulating the perfect concoction of testosterone and estrogen and yes, he is prettier than me. ... Continue reading »

Tonight I went out to dinner with my super fabulous friend, Daphne. We were having a serious discussion about plastic surgery and why it is AWESOME when she told me her husband would have died a few years ago if he had not had esophageal surgery. Daphne explained that her husband “could not swallow”. I choked on my margarita, the clouds parted, rays of sunshine blinded me in a Mexican restaurant, birds started singing and after years of futile searching, I finally had an answer! I have suffered from this “medical condition” ever since I got married! I could not wait to tell Mike that there was a cure for my affliction and just in time for his birthday!!! Daphne rolled her eyes and attempted to maintain her feigned innocence at my juvenile merriment. ... Continue reading »