Motherhood

Last week my youngest daughter had her tonsils out. I was an absolute fucking wreck because she was with a world renown surgeon, in a really nice hospital and this extremely complicated surgery was going to take somewhere between fifteen to twenty minutes minutes. I watched as they wheeled her little, tiny body into the operating room and yelled “I LOVE YOU!” in a shaky voice before I burst into hysterical sobs, buried my face in Mike’s arm and wiped snot on his sleeve. ... Continue reading »

*I rarely drink. *= I rarely drink except when I am trying to get pregnant (I legit prayed to God that my kids would not have big foreheads and even doubled up on my prenatal vitamins just in case) annnnd when my family has literally driven me to the brink of insanity. Which is why, I was sitting in my bathtub a few days ago, drinking wine out of a coffee cup with an alligator on it while tears streamed down my face. ... Continue reading »

I was outside planting flowers when my daughters informed me they were having a lemonade stand at the end of our driveway. Concerned that their projected profit margins were superficially deflated based on their chosen location which lacked both visibility and traffic, I conceded to their pleas and allowed them to walk across the street to peddle their lemonade to a neighbor who was outside washing his car. Upon reflection, I deeply identify with people who love money. The wonderment of realizing my indomitable DNA had been inherited by my children momentarily dulled my maternal instincts. At least that is what I plan to tell CPS should they come calling... ... Continue reading »

My mom was cleaning my house yesterday (calm down, I pay her in cash) when a wave of nostalgia passed over her after she sprayed oven cleaner. She started blabbing on and on about my childhood while I flipped through a magazine. “The minute you were born you shit all over me and have been ever since.” You tell this story every single time there is a family get together. “I honestly thought you were a lesbian when you were two because you would only wear hand-me-down Star Wars t-shirts even though you had a closet full of pretty dresses.” Of course that would be indicative of my future sexual orientation, never mind that you were still breastfeeding me. “You used to call your dad by his first name.” I was already plotting my emancipation and rationalized this formality would assist with my case. ... Continue reading »

My pregnant friend, Mer, just sent me a text of herself at the OBGYN’s office. I texted her back that she needed to go study the poster of cervixes on the wall since that the last giant one was going to be hers soon. She responded that there was also a plastic model of a vagina. I told her she should take a picture with it for the baby book. Taking advantage of this rare photo opportunity, she took a selfie with the plastic vag right as her doctor was walking in. Annnnnnd this is precisely why twelve-year-olds should not have babies. Annnnyway.... ... Continue reading »

Mike put me on a budget. Wait, it gets funnier. I actually have to explain what I am spending money on not just to Mike but to an accountant whom I am now referring to as my other husband. Do you have ANY idea, ANNNNNY idea, how weird it is when another man knows when I wax my lady garden? Effective immediately: I am longer sleeping with either of them because I am so pissed. Anyway, I have resorted to purchasing VISA gift cards from the grocery store to hide my expenditures because I don’t have quite enough shit to do everyday without embezzling from myself. ... Continue reading »

I was sitting outside freezing my ass off in the middle of the night waiting for my puppy to whiz when I glanced up at the sky and thought about what a genius the person was that started “selling” stars. Um...okay...let me see here, I am going to say I own all the stars and then I will start charging people to name them. I could technically sell the same star to a thousand different dupable people and they would never know. Do you realize how asinine and absolutely brilliant this is at the same time? ... Continue reading »

My children went back to school a few weeks ago. I had been counting down the nanoseconds for this day since the end of June. In fact, when I took them back-to-school shopping the week prior I actually said, “Stop licking each other” void of any emotion whatsoever. We took a bunch of trips, went to the pool, museums, parks, blah blah blah... So imagine my surprise when my my brain fucking betrayed me and I started crying. Like hard. The combination of not being needed any more and no longer having a viable excuse for having a dirty house was suddenly overwhelming. ... Continue reading »

A few weeks ago we were having dinner when the neighbor kids from down the street rang the doorbell. They asked if my daughters could spend the night in the trailer that their dad had parked on the driveway at their house. Our gated community has swimming pools, parks and a lush golf course but my children were hyperventilating with excitement over a mobile home. I asked the kids who was staying in there with them and was met with a chorus of, “No one!” Hahahahahaha. Right. Mommy has an anxiety disorder remember? ... Continue reading »

Welcome to newly renovated ErinSays. It is fabulous isn’t it? Now before we get to the skinny of the past couple weeks there are some people I need to thank. First: Myself. Hi, lets’s be honest, none of this would have been possible if I did not think of it. You are welcome. Next: God. For making me. (Badass drum solo) Next: Jack McDaniel/My Computer Bitch: Jack could detonate a nuke from his office with his nerd brain powers but he chooses to build websites for housewives instead. Interestingly, he does not reside in India and always answers his phone which are two extremely rare chromosomal abnormalities of people working in IT. Jack does what I tell him to do which is a quality I simply ADORE in people. (Seriously though- I find it is extremely effective to instill a constructive level of fear in my subordinates.) Just kidding Jack, please don’t hack into my account, tell everyone I am filthy whore and change the password again. ... Continue reading »

Last weekend, God once again ordered me to complete a three day community service stint at Disneyland as my penance for lighting fires and drowning kittens in a previous life. Apparently I was a real bitch before I reincarnated into Erin-1979. Fortunately, I have really turned things around in this life. ... Continue reading »

I am like sooooooooooo over flu season. Ugh, it is a filthy world. Do not touch anything. Ever. I learned this the hard way a couple weeks ago when I got in trouble for touching a beaver. Apparently, I have been doing it incorrectly for thirty-three years. I was chaperoning a field trip to this hideously boring wildlife museum for my daughter’s class when one of the elderly, ex-prison warden volunteers pulled out a beaver fur for the kids to touch. ... Continue reading »

I don’t want to make you feel even worse about yourself if you are a shitty parent, but I fucking kill it as a mom. My daughters are cool chicks. I would probably hang around them even if I wasn’t forced to, except that would be like totally creepy. The other night I was packing their lunches, writing little love notes, thinking about how I was totally aligning them for a lifetime of guaranteed successful endeavors. Then God got kicked me in my vagina for pilfering his glory. ... Continue reading »

The other night I was lying on my 7 year-old’s bedroom floor tossing a tennis ball up in the air while listening to strum her guitar and sing her spelling words. Suddenly she stopped and asked “Mom what is a uterus?” I told her and she said “So it’s like a baby cage.” “Essentially yes, if you put babies in cages freak.” This conversation was preceded with me asking my youngest daughter how school was and she said “Great! ______ didn’t even hit me once today!” “Whoa there cowgirl, glass is getting a little too full. Tell me again what this little punkass kid’s name is again.” I absolutely love, love, love listening to my children’s worldly perceptions. Even if I was not legally bound to them, I would like my kids anyway because they are cool chicks. ... Continue reading »

Psychologist Alfred Adler theorized that childhood experiences affect our behavior and personality as adults. This is concerning considering I was left at a gas station in the mountains when I was 8 years old by a bunch of drunk, none-English speaking, friends of a neighbor that my recently divorced dad entrusted with my care for the day. I was sitting on the curb kicking a rock thinking about just how screwed I was when the car whipped back into the parking lot and screeched to a stop in front of me. The driver whistled at me and said “Vamonos!” and I climbed back in and fake laughed right along with them. ... Continue reading »

Ever since school started this year it has been a battle of wills to get my youngest daughter to go to Kindergarten Enrichment 3 days a week before her actual kindergarten class in the afternoon. My reasoning was since I enrolled her in half day kindergarten this would fill in any potential gaps she would miss by providing her with supplemental learning materials. ... Continue reading »

This past weekend my family invaded Arizona. My family and vacationing is predictably hysterical every time we go ANYWHERE. First, the girls insist on packing their own suitcases which means I then have to unpack and repack them prior to departure. This time however, my youngest daughter nailed the necessities by packing the book The Night Before Christmas, a dirty bath towel and some shiny rocks, so my job was much easier. ... Continue reading »

Someone once told me the 3 most stressful things in life are divorce, a death in the family and purchasing a new home. I disagree entirely. This person has never gone shoe shopping with my five year old. my daughter was furious because I refused to allow her to ride her bike with high heels and insisted she pick out a pair of tennis shoes. I f’ing gave birth to Kim Kardashian. By the time we left Stride Rite yesterday I was mumbling incoherently and had developed a nervous tic. She said to me “I thought you were nice!” Oh please. ... Continue reading »

This morning I woke up much to my dismay. Just kidding, I say that every day. It was actually one of those mornings I have had scorching, passionate, unbridled fantasies about. The girls woke up on their own, in their own beds, dressed themselves and were in pleasant moods. I had made lunches the night before. I was not out of cream for my coffee. The dogs did not run away when I opened the door to let them out. No one told me they hated me. We were going to be on time and I had not raised my voice even once. ... Continue reading »

5 days until my daughter gets her tonsils and adenoids removed. Before I became a mother, I never thought an adenoid could evoke this much emotion in me. Truthfully, I didn’t even know what that particular part of the body was until I googled it and then formed an attachment. However, these said adenoids grew in my womb. My daughter is totally chill about it. I sort of feel like throwing up every time I think of her being out of my supervision, unconscious for 30 minutes. Clearly, I have latent control issues that surface whenever adenoids are involved. If my therapist is reading this, she is thinking “Cha-Ching.” ... Continue reading »