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My mother used to tell me “It doesn’t matter how you look on the outside, if you are pretty on the inside.” This was before she knew I was capable of growing dermoid cysts on my ovaries. This particular type of cyst can grow teeth, hair and all sorts of other disturbing things. I lovingly refer to them as my “half babies”. ... Continue reading »

A couple months ago, my 4 year old and I went up to the store to get some crayons.   When we came out, a woman was standing by my car with her hand on her hip and a surly expression on her face.  She pointed to my car and asked if it was mine.  I told her it was and then she proceeded to inform me in a bitchy tone that I had pulled up too far in the parking space and hit her car. I walked around to assess the damage.   I looked at our cars and could not see WHAT the FUCK on EARTH she was talking about!

The woman then pointed to a mark approximately the size of 2 fornicating gnats on her grill.  I started to get the feeling that this broad and I were not going to be good friends, giggling over margaritas on a “girls only” weekend in Cabo.  I told her I was sorry and that I would pay for it (since there was nothing there) and went to write down my insurance information.   Then Psycho informed me that she “would like to trust me however, she had already called the police.”  OMG, right? ... Continue reading »

Every summer growing up, my father would load up the Ford Windstar mini-van and take my 3 siblings and me to southern California to see our grandparents.  My ultra-conservative, Christian grandparents lived in a gated old person’s neighborhood where there were approximately a gazillion rules.  They took special care to ensure that our schedule was jam-packed from the minute we arrived so we would not be around to disturb anyone. We lovingly referred to it as “The Village of the Damned.” ... Continue reading »

Mike and I used to live on some property out in the middle of nowhere.  I am not altogether a huge nature fan, but we had cable and my family couldn’t find me, so I was relatively fine with this arrangement until we decided to start reproducing.  It did not take me long to figure out traveling long distances with a toddler is a pain in the ass and that Mother Nature hates this part of the country, so often I was stuck at home. ... Continue reading »

We used to send our daughter to a Montessori school down the street from us.  Every year they would hold a silent auction/dinner to support the school.  Because this was our daughter’s first year in school and because we are spectacular parents, I decided to forgo my chemical peel and shell out the $75 apiece for tickets instead.  To make this gala event as painless as possible, we made arrangements to go with our friends Aaron and Amanda, who incidentally are also spectacular parents. ... Continue reading »

The weekend I left for college, my mom had my room repainted, my furniture moved to the crawlspace, and purchased a Golden Retriever. She says that the reason she was smiling and humming excessively at that time was because she was trying to feign excitement for much anticipated departure. Uh-huh, right. My mother never suffered from one solitary second of “Empty Nest Syndrome” and is delighted to tell everyone she encounters of her psychological strength. Surprised I did not end up more screwed up than I already am? Me too. ... Continue reading »

This story was simply too amusing not to share. Last weekend, I was in line at PetSmart buying lizard paraphernalia for our newest family member Vinnie, the gecko. The guy in front of me had one of those contraptions to clean up dog crap resting on the counter. Like every thirty-two year old woman, I started laughing because it was something pertaining to poo. The man informed me that he was exchanging it because it “worked like shit” which made me laugh even harder. ... Continue reading »