Blog

Hi Baby Loves. This week my dad wrote for me because he owes me for his partial contribution to my existence. He is a Buddist ninja that is really easy to make laugh. His mentionable extracurricular activities include public speaking, writing, building water features and meditating for long periods of time usually over Christmas so he does not have to buy anyone anything. He has a fake hip, a cool young wife and two cats. In his spare time he likes to take play the piano, plant corn in his front yard and put up Christmas lights. Let’s give a round of applause to Dave..... ... Continue reading »

A few years ago, I was not sleeping. I was restless and agitated. I had birthed adorable children, ensnarled a sexy Italian husband, was the proud owner of a pet Yorkie and carried a totally chic Burberry purse. Yet something was still missing in my life and it wasn’t just my left breast…...it occurred to me I didn’t have a gay male best friend! I immediately went out and made one. And I was right……it is pretty much AWESOOOOOOME. Finally I had someone in my life that connects with me on a more mature emotional level and can also lift heavy shit. Trevor is undoubtedly a more evolved species, encapsulating the perfect concoction of testosterone and estrogen and yes, he is prettier than me. ... Continue reading »

I was discussing my New Year’s Resolution of “Cereal Tolerance” with my mom the other day. She excitedly told me she was giving up “her very last addiction!” “Sex?” I asked. “Eew gross, I gave that up years ago. I am giving up Nicorette Gum!” I asked her if I could have the remainder of the box. She just laughed. I feel like no one ever takes me seriously. I am 32 years old and have never smoked a cigarette. So I do not feel that in my highly vulnerable state it would be asking too much for her to bequeath me the rest of her nicotine gum to try and prevent me from smoking now. ... Continue reading »

I have been deeply contemplating my New Year’s Resolution this year. I fleetingly considered curtailing my use of the f-word but then realized this would likely fall in the category of self-destructive behavior. And since I have already spent an ungodly amount of money in therapy learning productive coping mechanisms, I would hate to disrupt my progress. Last year, I did not ask Mike any hypothetical questions for an entire year. (i.e.) “If you were stranded on an island with a supermodel who wanted to have sex with you and I would never know and you did not know if you would ever be rescued, would you have sex with her?” I really should have saved the “Hypothetical Resolution” for 2012 since it was extremely challenging and I would have been granted a reprieve when the world comes to end later this year. ... Continue reading »

This morning my sister called me while I was in the bathtub….

Erika: I feel like I am pregnant but I know that is not possible.

Me: What makes you feel that way?

Erika: I am bloated, my boobs hurt and I am peeing when I laugh.

Me: Oh My God. You are totally going to take a poop and a baby is going to plop out in the toilet like on that show “I Did Not Know I Was Pregnant.” HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Every year for Christmas I like to buy a sexy little outfit for Mike to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. Last year I bought Naughty Mrs. Claus. Did you know they sold different size pasties? Me neither. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. This year I decided to keep it simple and bought an expensive sexy pair of red velvet underwear trimmed in white fur. They came in the mail. I threw them in the wash and forgot about them. ... Continue reading »

I have not been able to update my blog for the past week due to unforeseen circumstances: I didn’t feel like it. Now, before I can get to the juice I have some business matters to address. At Thanksgiving, I learned through the grapevine (my family) that a certain genetic relation (my family) feels I have a “skewed view on sex and marriage and that I am mean to Mike”. First reaction: Pissed. Second Reaction Compliments o’ Therapy: I realized this asinine, unsolicited judgement bothered me because 2 of the 3 accusations were actually correct. ... Continue reading »

This morning: Ring, Ring…..

Me: Hi Mom, What’s up?

Mom: Oh it is not good, I am having a really bad day. I am so stressed out.

Me: Why? What happened? (taking my anti-anxiety medication and walking over to the refrigerator).

Mom: I cannot get my figurines arranged. Nothing looks cute this year like it did last year.

Me: That is awful (stuffing a stick of butter in my mouth to ease my mounting emotional distress).

A month ago, I picked up my teenage stepdaughter from the bus stop. Her best friend wanted a ride home too so she climbed in the front seat and she started teasing me about being old when I playfully punched her in the arm. She yelled “Oooooow Erin! Yesterday, my mom made me get one of those shots so I don’t get vagina warts!” OMG! I totally wish they would have had those when I was her age! KIDDING. Totally kidding. Hahahahahaha. Kidding. But this incident did remind me that my favorite time of year was coming up: my annual pap! ... Continue reading »

Earlier today I was at the zoo with my daughter when I received a phone call from my friend Vanessa:

Vanessa: Hi Erin! Jeff and I are going to go see the new Twilight movie tonight and we wanted to see if you and Mike wanted to go with us!

Me: What? Jeff is going with you to a Twilight movie? Did he turn gay and you guys decided just to stay together for the kids?