Blog

It is Steve Jobs fault that I now own a cat. Last week I went into my daughter’s room and made the astute observation that her pet lizard, Pearl, had died. How did I know? Its face was pressed awkwardly against the aquarium and when I tapped on the side of it, the thing did not move. I looked at my watch. This pending psychological calamity was going to have to wait. School was starting in ten minutes, grieving over a dead lizard takes fifteen and I seriously needed a break after the theatrical production my family starred in last week titled, “A Family Catches the Stomach Flu and Their Mother/Wife Heroically Saves Them Even Though She Wanted to Run Away.” ... Continue reading »

I don’t want to make you feel even worse about yourself if you are a shitty parent, but I fucking kill it as a mom. My daughters are cool chicks. I would probably hang around them even if I wasn’t forced to, except that would be like totally creepy. The other night I was packing their lunches, writing little love notes, thinking about how I was totally aligning them for a lifetime of guaranteed successful endeavors. Then God got kicked me in my vagina for pilfering his glory. ... Continue reading »

*Roller skates were first patented by Belgium inventor John Joseph Merlin in 1760. Three hundred and fifty years later people are still fucking themselves up because of this asshole.

Last weekend, Mike and I took our daughters roller skating. My olfactory senses were immediately assaulted by the repugnant smell of pubescent pheromones and body odor. I took to the rink flanked by my eight year old and someone’s unsupervised toddler on crack. Memories of slow skating with my junior high boyfriend while listening to ‘Boyz 2 Men’ came flooding to me. My boyfriend with zits told me he “liked my bangs.” To his credit, he was rather astute as my bangs were magnificent. They were very tall and stiff and I spent forty-five minutes every day styling them. One day my mom had to take me to the doctor and he patted me on the head when we were leaving. My bangs did not like being touched by strangers and so they stabbed him. My doctor stared at me like I had a giant penis growing out of my forehead and told my mom to take me to a specialist for further testing. ... Continue reading »

I used to feel sorry for people with Celiac’s disease. Not anymore. I accidentally bought a bag of gluten-free ginger snaps and they are pretty much BOMB. Mmmmmm…Mmmmmmm….Mmmmmmmmmm. I am typing with one hand so I can keep eating. Anyway, Mike got home from Dallas on Saturday. While the girls were engrossed in a movie downstairs, I decided to give him a quick welcome home present…in the closet. We shimmied out of our clothes and started to get it on when all of a sudden I heard one of the kids. Mike whispered “Just be quiet, we can finish up.” Um yeah hi, I am on anti-anxiety medication. Sting could get off faster than me. ... Continue reading »

Last Monday was the Justin Bieber concert in Denver. Holy.Pubescent.Pandemonium. My daughters were absolutely beside themselves, I was laughing hysterically watching them while Mike stayed on the phone with the suicide hotline. I have never been to a rave but I imagine this is what one would be like sans the acid and all the little kids. At one point Justin threw his dirty sweat towel into the crowd and the girl who caught it actually started sobbing hysterically….because she was happy. Wtf. That guy could throw his shit into the crowd and people would go insane. Actually, I think he should do that. I would like to see someone catching a shit. ... Continue reading »

Last Thursday was the big trip to Las Vegas with Grandma. My aunt made all the travel arrangements since I have a tendency to book flights based on reputable airlines and their convenient departure times because I deplore the disruption of my circadian rhythm. My aunt however, found a smoking deal on some airline I had never heard of. I decided it would be in my best interest to refrain from googling their fiery crash verses successful landing statistics prior to takeoff. My optimism prevailing, I went ahead and spray tanned because Grandma is hot and I did not want her hogging all the attention in Vegas. I packed a suitcase of hand sanitizer and penicillin and went to pick up my aunt the next morning. ... Continue reading »

You know how Mike has claimed that my Shih Tzu is the “stupidest dog on earth” well it turns out he was wrong, it is my Yorkie!!! HAHAHAHA FACE MIKE. Some dogs like antifreeze, my dogs like to play in the street and pretend they are deaf. We are not allowed to have fences in our neighborhood because that would prevent the HOA’s specially recruited traitor spy neighbor from peering into our yards to ensure that we are in adherence with the pine verses spruce tree rule #4,976,399,544 so we decided to purchase an invisible fence. ... Continue reading »

Yesterday I woke to find numerous text messages on my phone regarding a close friend that was seriously ill and wondering if I could help. I jumped out of bed and threw on some shoes, asked if Mike could manage, kissed our children and ran out the door. I spent most of the day with my friend and was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that had occurred in Connecticut. ... Continue reading »

I do not kill bugs or spiders. In fact, there is a little spider currently residing in my office and I am just going to let her stay for the winter. She is black with a pretty red dot on her stomach. Just kidding. She is not one of those feminist man-hating bitch kinds. Last summer my niece discovered a live mouse in our window well so I climbed down with a bucket to catch it but started screaming hysterically when the thing kept running over my feet. My sister was like “Oh My God. You are such a pussy Erin, I will get it” so she climbed down there with me so we could shriek together because the mouse did not trust our motives based on the stories passed down by its rodent ancestors of traps with sticky bottoms and poisoned cheese etc. etc. and so it tried to clamber up our legs while our kids watched from the other side of the window laughing. ... Continue reading »

I recently received an inquiry regarding my feelings on the world allegedly coming to an end later this month. Since I am always the last to know when the world is going to blow up I decided to educate myself on this matter. Annnnnd following my extensive five minute google search, I was horrified to learn we are indeed all going to die someday. Calm down I was being facetious, but you really are going to die. ... Continue reading »