Blog

North Korean Dictator, Kim Jung Un, finally resurfaced after he had been MIA for a few weeks. I called Crime Stoppers to tip them off that he was working as a private contractor in my children’s school district. I suspected Kim had been hired to assist with the implementation of dogmatic rule and unyielding submission to authority since his business model has proven to be uber effective in his weird-ass, flag-twirling country. ... Continue reading »

Mike recently staged an intervention after he discovered me cutting up antibiotics with a razor blade and snorting them off the toilet. He informed me he would no longer write me prescriptions for z-packs until I saw a specialist about my chronic sinus issues. “Michael, it is super inconvenient to have to drive to a bad part of town (anywhere outside my gated community) to find a new antibiotic drug dealer that accepts our insurance.” I paused and sucked in my breath. “I might even have to start turning tricks in my mom car, since I never have any cash on me.” ... Continue reading »

*I rarely drink. *= I rarely drink except when I am trying to get pregnant (I legit prayed to God that my kids would not have big foreheads and even doubled up on my prenatal vitamins just in case) annnnd when my family has literally driven me to the brink of insanity. Which is why, I was sitting in my bathtub a few days ago, drinking wine out of a coffee cup with an alligator on it while tears streamed down my face. ... Continue reading »

I recently went to Monterey for Mike’s family reunion. We were at the aquarium when my sister-in-law decided her baby needed to take a nap. I eagerly volunteered to help her back to the car because watching fish swim around has never been a passion of mine. On my way back, I passed a little shop advertising psychic readings. I peered inside and saw a lady clipping her toenails on a table with a crystal ball and a credit card machine. I went inside... ... Continue reading »

It has been two weeks since my mom’s cat, Mr. Whiskerpuss, passed away. My mom was utterly devastated, sooooo I took it upon myself to find her another obscenely expensive, purebred kitten to fill the void. Mike was adamant that I ask my stepfather, Bob, before I bought the cat even though Bob had already paid my dowry and arranged for Mike to marry me years ago. Ass kisser. As a matter of principle, I make a point to never seek permission from men for trivial matters such as purchasing pets however for the sake of compromise, I decided to be the bigger person. Surprisingly, Bob agreed to my plan so I didn’t even have to buy the thing, drop it off at their house while they were at work and never answer my phone again. Whatever. Glad he was on board. ... Continue reading »

Two days before Mike and I left for California to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary, I decided to have a microderm and a “gentle” chemical peel to make my face glow much as it did the day he married me (yes, I was totally pregnant). The procedure smarted a bit, but logic suggested this should be expected, since I was paying someone to put acid on my face. Forty-five minutes later, my keen intuition suggested that something was definitely askew since my face was on fucking F.I.R.E. ... Continue reading »

It is a fair assessment to say that Mike and I are obsessed with each other. We are constantly kissing, groping and touching one another. We make each other laugh and watch violent crime shows together. Our relationship is seriously amazeballs. I have even gone as far as getting a henna tattoo that lasted upwards to three weeks of an “M” on my wrist to proclaim my eternal devotion to him. We have been together for thirteen years and we are like seriously in passionate, baby making, soul shaking LOOOOOOOVE. Except when we travel and then we fucking hate each other. ... Continue reading »

I was outside planting flowers when my daughters informed me they were having a lemonade stand at the end of our driveway. Concerned that their projected profit margins were superficially deflated based on their chosen location which lacked both visibility and traffic, I conceded to their pleas and allowed them to walk across the street to peddle their lemonade to a neighbor who was outside washing his car. Upon reflection, I deeply identify with people who love money. The wonderment of realizing my indomitable DNA had been inherited by my children momentarily dulled my maternal instincts. At least that is what I plan to tell CPS should they come calling... ... Continue reading »

My mom was cleaning my house yesterday (calm down, I pay her in cash) when a wave of nostalgia passed over her after she sprayed oven cleaner. She started blabbing on and on about my childhood while I flipped through a magazine. “The minute you were born you shit all over me and have been ever since.” You tell this story every single time there is a family get together. “I honestly thought you were a lesbian when you were two because you would only wear hand-me-down Star Wars t-shirts even though you had a closet full of pretty dresses.” Of course that would be indicative of my future sexual orientation, never mind that you were still breastfeeding me. “You used to call your dad by his first name.” I was already plotting my emancipation and rationalized this formality would assist with my case. ... Continue reading »

Last Friday was the annual Father/Daughter Dance at my kids’ school. I was walking out the door after finishing my weekly obligatory “I have unresolved guilt from my childhood” volunteer duties, when I noticed the decorations for the dance and my head slowly tilted to the side. W.T.F. I stared in absolute bewilderment and incomprehensible joy at the hundreds of inflated pink balloons, meticulously tied together and woven into a gigantic latex marvel for all to see. I could feel my lips start to quiver as I imagined the masses of little girls and their fathers walking through a magical, towered archway of.....wait for it......waaaaaaait for it......tits. Yes. Tits. Hundreds upon hundreds of tits. ... Continue reading »