Blog

A few nights ago, I received a text from my uncle. It was a picture of him and some cute chick in an awkward side-hug. Random. I took a picture of my dog licking his ass and sent it back to him with a “?”. A few minutes later he responded by telling me he was at the mall buying shoes when someone called his phone by accident and asked if he had a wife named Erin. My uncle responded, “Not only do I not have a wife named Erin, I don’t have one at all!” (Don’t be sad for him. He is actually happy. In fact, I try to minimize the amount of time Mike spends with him so he doesn’t get any big ideas about how much better his life could be). ... Continue reading »

Lisa’s Version of Events I almost died last week when I accidentally poisoned myself. Three days before I nearly died, I was laying on Erin’s bedroom floor after raiding her closet. *If you ever need to borrow a dress she has quite the selection. In fact, she has her very own expensive department store. You would not know this by looking at her since she wears yoga clothes every.single.day. She swears she’s not depressed. I am totally going to say something if she stops showering. ... Continue reading »

I was just skimming through the news and came across the Josh Duggar scandal. Wow Dude, it is a good thing Jesus apparently loves you because everyone else on the planet thinks you are a fucking asshole. No wonder your parents went on to have 18 more kids after they screwed up the first one so badly. Anywhooooo, for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook or you can’t when I blocked you after you attempted to send me pictures of your balls...I learned I do NOT have breast cancer this week. I was driving to my doctor’s appointment when the skies suddenly grew ominous and it started pouring outside. The car in front of me had a 666 on their license plate and I literally could not get away from the guy. It was super dramatic and if I hadn’t already worked myself into a state of sheer terror, I would have been laughing hysterically. ... Continue reading »

I found a lump in my armpit. No. I have no idea why I was randomly touching my armpit; this part of the story is irrelevant. I made an appointment at Urgent Care for the following day, since I needed to see the doctor who is not married to a friend of mine. Erin- How can you be so selfless in a time of impending crisis you say? Well, my therapist worked tirelessly to teach me the significance of setting boundaries and “not showing my tits to other women’s husbands” just happens to be one of the first rules I set for myself. ... Continue reading »

Today my daughters requested that I notify them prior to entering the basement when they are playing dolls. I narrowed my eyes at them. I know exactly what this means... their Barbies are now sexually active. Because we were poor growing up, my family could not afford to purchase an actual “Ken” doll. My Barbie was forced to have sex with one of my brother’s G.I. Joe’s. I just pretended she had really low self-esteem and was willing to settle for a short guy. I proudly informed Mike our children were meeting their developmental milestones. ... Continue reading »

For those of you who have previously dismissed me as shallow and materialistic....you are still totally correct in your assessment. However, I recently abandoned my need for all things designer after I received a glorious gift in the form of a giant, old, fat-lump covered lab named Broccoli. ... Continue reading »

The Text Exchange Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow? Erin: Okay. Lisa: We have to be naked. Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina. Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00. Erin: Bye. ... Continue reading »

I attribute my extraordinary sense of intuition to be the guiding force behind my countless successes in life. Case in point: Last month when I was in Hawaii with my girlfriends, we drove past the beach where Bethany Hamilton's arm was chomped off by a shark. I then learned approximately half of the women I was traveling with were on their periods. ... Continue reading »

I always knew I would grow up to marry a doctor or an oil magnate. I just never imagined I would actually love him. Oddly enough however, I freaking L-O-V-E my husband. Like after thirteen years together, the sound of Mike’s chewing doesn’t always make me want to punch him in the throat and I have come to adore his unconventional and often disturbing grasp of the vernacular. ... Continue reading »

“I want to be just like my mom, except with fewer cats and figurines.” -Myself, 35 A few months ago, my mom purchased a pair of designer kittens. Even though I am really allergic to cats and the military previously inflicted torture upon detained terrorists by forcing them to drive with my mother (it has since been deemed inhumane by the current administration), I offered to take her to go get the little furballs. My mother amuses me and frankly, we had not spent much time together since I exited her womb and moved to a gated community. ... Continue reading »