Blog

Before we get to this week’s happenings, I want to discuss something very serious and entirely disturbing with you. I recently discovered a picture of me when I was about three years old standing in front of a fireplace butt naked except for a grubby Star Wars shirt, holding a can of beer. I turned the picture over and in my mother’s elegant handwriting were the words ‘Brat Child 1982’. Um WTF. Seriously? My parents let me drink beer out of a CAN. How disgusting. I bet their cheap asses wouldn’t even spring for a package of new hypodermic needles so I just played with the ones I found at the park. Anywaaaaaays..... ... Continue reading »

On our first wedding anniversary I poured my heart and soul (although hollowed, I still have one. Bite me) into a card for Mike. I then waited with eager anticipation as he handed me his card which read: “Erin- We have had our ups. We have had our downs. Happy Anniversary. Love, Mike.” More sentiment has gone into the final appeal for serial baby killers on death row. I tossed my eloquently penned love note into the trash without letting him read it. Soooo that’s how you want to play pal? Game.On. I hate trying to remember this type of shit anyway. ... Continue reading »

This is when I took my darling daughters downtown to watch my sister's band County Cavarn and my kid sporadically jumped and joined in....wtf ... Continue reading »

A few weeks ago we were having dinner when the neighbor kids from down the street rang the doorbell. They asked if my daughters could spend the night in the trailer that their dad had parked on the driveway at their house. Our gated community has swimming pools, parks and a lush golf course but my children were hyperventilating with excitement over a mobile home. I asked the kids who was staying in there with them and was met with a chorus of, “No one!” Hahahahahaha. Right. Mommy has an anxiety disorder remember? ... Continue reading »

First test vlog with Jack ... Continue reading »

Welcome to newly renovated ErinSays. It is fabulous isn’t it? Now before we get to the skinny of the past couple weeks there are some people I need to thank. First: Myself. Hi, lets’s be honest, none of this would have been possible if I did not think of it. You are welcome. Next: God. For making me. (Badass drum solo) Next: Jack McDaniel/My Computer Bitch: Jack could detonate a nuke from his office with his nerd brain powers but he chooses to build websites for housewives instead. Interestingly, he does not reside in India and always answers his phone which are two extremely rare chromosomal abnormalities of people working in IT. Jack does what I tell him to do which is a quality I simply ADORE in people. (Seriously though- I find it is extremely effective to instill a constructive level of fear in my subordinates.) Just kidding Jack, please don’t hack into my account, tell everyone I am filthy whore and change the password again. ... Continue reading »

During Easter brunch at my house this year, my mom told us she had to go to the emergency room when she was nineteen years old for severe stomach pain. Apparently, a resident doctor came in to examine her and coldly informed her that she was in the final stages of gonorrhea and that she would never have children. My mortified mom called and informed “everyone” of her tragic diagnosis only to have her appendix burst two weeks later. Oops. Omg. I would have f’ing paid to see the faces of her hippie boyfriends when they got that phone call. Sooooo funny. ... Continue reading »

Last weekend, God once again ordered me to complete a three day community service stint at Disneyland as my penance for lighting fires and drowning kittens in a previous life. Apparently I was a real bitch before I reincarnated into Erin-1979. Fortunately, I have really turned things around in this life. ... Continue reading »

Eew, the grossest thing ever happened to me last week. I ordered five hundred U.S. dollars worth of clothes from Lands’ End because I go back to work full time at the dental office come August and Mike thinks periwinkle cardigans and monogrammed coral polos will inspire the masses to get their teeth cleaned. Following this violent assault on my eyes I drove myself to Lululemon and inhaled the delectable scent of overpriced yoga pants and chic tops made by crazy talented kids in Guatemala. ... Continue reading »

I am like sooooooooooo over flu season. Ugh, it is a filthy world. Do not touch anything. Ever. I learned this the hard way a couple weeks ago when I got in trouble for touching a beaver. Apparently, I have been doing it incorrectly for thirty-three years. I was chaperoning a field trip to this hideously boring wildlife museum for my daughter’s class when one of the elderly, ex-prison warden volunteers pulled out a beaver fur for the kids to touch. ... Continue reading »