Blog

Gather round boys and girls, it is story time! Once upon a time there was a gorgeous, kind, charming, loving, magical princess we will call………. Erin. She was married to handsome dentist named Mike. They had 3 beautiful daughters that liked to fight. 4 years ago they were living out in the middle of nowhere because Mike thought it would be a peaceful place to raise a family. Erin was exhausted from being up all night every night with a baby and a toddler, her nipples were sore and she was filled with bitterness and resentment because it took her twenty minutes to drive to the grocery store every goddamn day of her life. ... Continue reading »

Sorry. I have been busy, I have not forgotten about you guys. First, I got stuck in a car wash without my cell phone. It just kept washing and washing and washing and washing me but would not let me out. A half an hour later, the kids were like “Just Get Out Mommy.” Hi YOU get out, it is f’ing winter time in Colorado. I tried to pull forward. Nothing. I tried it again. Nothing. Finally the back of the car wash opened and I backed out. Bubbles were all over the place, I could not see very well and I scraped my car on the side of the car wash. ... Continue reading »

A few weeks ago my photographer friend Jen from high school sent me a message on facebook asking if I would be interested in doing a “Boudoir” photo shoot. I responded with “Bummer, we just had our family photos taken!” Jen then informed me that “Boudoir Photographs” are sexy pics intended for your significant other. Oh gross. We totally did not take sexy family pictures. ... Continue reading »

Whenever I laugh, I cry. I cannot help it; this has been a problem for awhile. Right now I am sobbing. I was looking at my sister’s fb wall and she posted a positive affirmation for herself saying “I am yes person. I am a yes person. I am yes person.” Clearly she did not think this out. So underneath I typed: ... Continue reading »

Cavemen/women divorce rates were exactly the same as they are today. I reached this startling conclusion when I woke up this morning to 7 piles of Shih Tzu puke and 2 pissy children. I called Mike to thank him for leaving the barf for me. He said he knew nothing about it. I told him I already sent a sample to the lab to have it carbon dated and I can pretty much GUARANTEE the results are going to state “we verify with 99.99% accuracy this vomit is older than 6:30 am.” I then fought with my children for the next forty-five minutes to accomplish the challenging tasks of getting dressed and eating breakfast. I was so frustrated that I started to cry but turned my head as not to show any signs of weakness to my captors. Annnnnnd this is precisely what brings me back to cavepeople. ... Continue reading »

A couple days ago Mike went and met with our accountants to discuss something called taxes (?). Whatever. I refused to go because last year I was so bored I kept stabbing myself in the leg under the table with a fork and counting spilled sugar granules to stay awake. I also told Mike I was going to tell those dudes to figure out how to get my boob job written off. He said I could stay home. ... Continue reading »

Do NOT underestimate the wrath of a tonsil or an adenoid. Those seemingly harmless protuberances of tissue have stealthily developed nuclear weapons, created an army of Kim Jong’s North Korean clones complete with weird flag ceremonies and then sit there, waiting, planning, collecting tiny bits of bacteria….. And then with the fury of an ex-wife trying to get the coffee table back you bought while honeymooning in Acapulco, THEY WAGE A VICIOUS, UNSUSPECTING ATTACK….. ... Continue reading »

I just took my daughter to a birthday party at a jumpy castle place. She managed to jump about 3 inches of gum in her hair. I just cut it out. It should grow back by Christmas pictures next year. My mom friends and I were cracking up. My daughter tried to get me to go down “Camel Toe” slide with her but I learned my lesson at previous birthday party, hence the name. Um, that smarted. Oh yeah, and I needed to get new brakes today. ... Continue reading »

5 days until my daughter gets her tonsils and adenoids removed. Before I became a mother, I never thought an adenoid could evoke this much emotion in me. Truthfully, I didn’t even know what that particular part of the body was until I googled it and then formed an attachment. However, these said adenoids grew in my womb. My daughter is totally chill about it. I sort of feel like throwing up every time I think of her being out of my supervision, unconscious for 30 minutes. Clearly, I have latent control issues that surface whenever adenoids are involved. If my therapist is reading this, she is thinking “Cha-Ching.” ... Continue reading »

Today my friend Steph dyed my hair darker and cut bangs. I loved it. I left the salon feeling sexy and revived, ready to take on another fascinating day of cooking dinner. I went to pick up my 5 year-old who said “I want my old mom back. Why did you do that to yourself?” I told her I owned my head and that I could do whatever I wanted with it. We then went to pick up my 7 year-old from school. My youngest daughter saw her sister and ran down to meet her, whispering something in her ear. My eyes narrowed at the co-conspirators. ... Continue reading »