Blog

I love April Fool’s Day. Mike hates this day, probably because of me. A couple years ago, I asked my friend Amanda who was 8 months pregnant at the time, to take a pregnancy test for me. She lovingly obliged and much to my delight, a plus sign appeared on the test almost instantly. I then nonchalantly left the test and the box on the toilet for Mike to find the next morning. The alarm went off early the next day and Mike stumbled out of bed. I lay there with my eyes wide open, grinning from ear to ear, positively giddy with anticipation as I heard him get up and go into the bathroom. I could hardly contain myself. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! A couple minutes later, I heard the toilet flush, some rustling and Mike came plodding over to the bed. I quickly flopped over and pretended to be asleep as he walked over to me. “Erin wake up, is this a joke?” “What?” I asked innocently into my pillow. “You know what I am talking about, THIS,” as he held up the pregnancy test. I slowly turned over, “Sweetheart, I wanted to tell you last night but you looked so tired. But it’s true, you are going to be a daddy again! Can you believe it? After we took all those precautions! It is a miracle!” I forced myself not to blink so my eyes would tear up. I could see the panic momentarily cross his face as he racked his brain to remember the last time we had actually had sex. He leaned over and stroked my hair. OMG, he was buying it. ... Continue reading »

A number of my friends have had babies recently and each time I have gone to see their precious little creations, I am overcome with waves of nostalgia. Oh pul-eeeeeeeze people, I am not considering having another one, I just LOVE LOVE LOVE little, tiny, itty, bitty babies. I am quite confident that I have sufficiently trapped Mike into a lifetime of servitude to me with the ones we already have together. And besides, my vagina just clamped shut at the mere thought of getting pregnant (fun fact: it also does this when I see minivans). But anyway, occasionally I reminisce about a special time in my life when I was not quite so laid back, a time when paranoia, anxiety and hand sanitizer were my closest friends, a time when my house was actually clean and certain catch words like “please” or “thank you” mysteriously vanished from my vocabulary overnight. Yes, I am talking about the first baby. ... Continue reading »

Last night my father and stepmother came over for dinner and I was reminded of yet another time when my siblings and I laughed uncontrollably at my dad’s expense. When my dad was in college, he was the pool manager at a country club. Apparently, he had a thing for a girl he worked with and had asked her to go horseback riding with him. They agreed to meet up the next day. My dad, AKA “Dave” or “Loin Beast”, put on a pair of his biggest bell bottoms, combed his sideburns, unbuttoned half of his collared shirt allowing a healthy mound of chest hair to protrude, put on his white patent leather boots and poured half a bottle of cologne on his crotch. I am quite certain he made finger guns and pointed them at himself in the mirror right before he left. With REO Speedwagon blaring from his light green Ford Pinto he went to meet up with his date. Clearly, my father was planning on getting himself some 70’s disco bush that day. ... Continue reading »

A couple weeks ago we received a letter in the mail informing Mike and I that our daughter has missed more than 8 days of kindergarten this year. The letter went on to say that the school needs our “help in doing everything possible to reduce the number of absences” and was accompanied by a photocopy of the school district’s policy on absences. I asked around and sure enough, a number of my friends (please note the word “friends” because we are of like mind) also received “the letter” detailing their child’s absences as well. Many of my friends were pissed because “the letter” insinuated in not-so-many words that we are a collective group of deadbeat parents. I personally was not too terribly concerned, considering I have been called way worse and kindergarten is not mandatory in the state of Colorado (I googled this). ... Continue reading »

We have a new pet gecko named Vinnie. I love this reptile like I gave birth to him. Last night I was out “running errands” (sitting in my car all alone in the grocery store parking lot, reading People Magazine and not listening to my children fight) when I received a phone call from my husband informing me that Vinnie’s tail had fallen off. Uh, what was that Mike? The benevolence of your tone was that of someone ordering a bagel with cream cheese rather than informing me THAT OUR LIZARD’S FUCKING TAIL FELL OFF!!! ... Continue reading »

About a year ago my mom went out and bought a Beta fish. She bought the thing an enormous glass bowl, live plants, Roman fish statues and rocks made of Swarovski Crystal. She religiously cleans its gigantic residence every week and fills it with expensive purified water to ensure its little fishy lungs have plenty of non-polluted oxygen. (Incidentally, she does not seem to mind when my stepfather drinks disgusting, chlorinated, none ionized, polluted tap water). Essentially, this fish hit the jackpot and went from living in a tiny, poop filled plastic container to the lap of luxury. I can almost see its arrogance as it swims around its Olympic size swimming pool with its sumptuous tail swishing back and forth. I seriously think my mother has officially gone off the deep end (no pun). She loves her fish, she talks to her fish and she is obviously taking it to see some fishy plastic surgeon because its scales look amazing. ... Continue reading »

About a week ago my 6 year old informed me that I “RUINED HER LIFE” and slammed her door because I told her she could not go out and ride her bike since her room was a mess. Now, most of you would be dismayed at this type of unruly, disrespectful behavior from a small child. I was secretly thrilled. ... Continue reading »

My friend Paige is a personal trainer. Our daughters go to school together and she teaches a popular fitness class for women called “Boot Camp”. For those of you who may not be aware, this is a vigorous exercise routine that simulates a military work-out sans selling your soul to the government. Paige informed me she was holding a class the next day and invited me to attend. Unfortunately, this class coincided with my in-laws being in town, so I felt extraordinarily guilty as I slammed down 2 cups of coffee and bolted out the door without kissing my kids goodbye. Upon reflection, my first clue that this might be a bad idea was that Paige is a positively gorgeous woman, with an absolutely perfect body and 3 kids that she “claims” to have birthed. Paige even looks sexy driving a minivan, which as everyone knows isn’t even logical. My second warning sign? The twenty other women taking this class LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!!!!!! The ladies were extraordinarily friendly and welcoming as they stretched their tanned, perfectly sculpted appendages. ... Continue reading »

My friend Holly is the gal you go to if you need advice. She is one of those people who conveniently knows something about everything. If your brain can conjure it, she can help: plastic surgeons, home décor, make-up, cars, recipes, gyms, worthy twitter followers, vacations spots, bunco, lingerie, shoes, music to have sex to, child birth, child rearing, marriage counselors, divorce attorneys, hair styles that compliment your face, clothes that make your ass look small, French translations “J’aime les chat”, atomic mass of a neutron, etc. etc. Holly is essentially an oracle with one teensy, weensy, itty, bitty personality quirk. She is officially the LEAST sympathetic person on the planet. You absolutely DO NOT, repeat DO NOT, go to Holly if you want to be coddled, held or comforted in any way because she does not give a shit. I am quite certain her children were changing their own diapers, cleaning up their own vomit and mixing their own formula by 6 months of age. So you can imagine my delight when Holly agreed to allow me to write about a very brief but eventful 72 hours of her life when heartfelt compassion was the sovereign power that dictated her every move. ... Continue reading »

Last August, I was driving along a busy road to pick my daughters up from school, when I saw a dog playing frogger in traffic. Now, if there is anything I have a weakness for, it is Italian men and dogs (particularly of the puppy mill variety). I just knew I needed to help this poor creature! Another upstanding citizen conveniently witnessed this pending tragedy at the same time I did and pulled over to aid in the rescue. Annnnnnnd this is when things tipped the scale to entirely bizarre. ... Continue reading »