Blog

The air is noticeably crisper, leaves are changing colors, children are back to school licking each other’s faces and creating new strains of bacterium, the menfolk have placed new batteries in their beloved remote controls, adorned their houses with their respective college flags and sat their asses on the couch (in great contrast to the rest of the year) to prepare for another captivating season of football. This is also the special time of year when my mother begins gearing up for figurine shopping season. Yes, figurines. My mother loves figurines. If a robber approached her and said “It is either him or the figurines (pointing a thumb to her husband).” I would miss my stepfather, I really would. A few years ago my mother began buying figurines in mass quantities to display throughout her house during the holiday season. She has clay witches, handmade elves with bells sewn on their bodies, little birdies with fuzzy hats singing Christmas carols, glittery Christmas trees with faces and teeth, terracotta snowmen made in Costa Rica, an African-American nativity scene, Easter bunnies with jewels glued on them, approximately nine-thousand Santas of varying girths and sparkles, one-of-a -kind Asian pilgrims, etc. etc. etc. ... Continue reading »

The following is an actual conversation I had with my 4 year old daughter today:

Offspring- Mom, you know what I always wanted but never got?

Me- A nap?

Offspring- Worms. ... Continue reading »

I only have one boob. You stopped thinking about the stock market for a second didn’t you? I had scoliosis and had to have metal rods put in my back when I was fifteen. One of the tiny asterisks of this affliction is that a person may or may not develop equally sized fun bags. I would fall into the latter category. ... Continue reading »

Quick update: For those of you who have not already been notified via Facebook, my mermaid birthday seduction idea for Mike totally tanked. I borrowed my friend Mer’s mermaid costume, flopped onto the bed as promised and then promptly started itching uncontrollably. Mer has 2 cats and I happen to be allergic to them as discussed in a previous blog. I was covered in hives and Mike, while amused, clearly did not find me sexually appealing in the least despite my protests that “this has happened before (well, not dressed as a mermaid) and I have never gone into anaphylactic shock.” Anyhow, I roofied myself with Benedryl and passed out. I am fairly certain that Mike did not take advantage of my precarious situation as I was in the exact same position when I woke up. Now on to more pertinent news. ... Continue reading »

Well, I am officially a socialite. Yes, I Erin Moroni, am now inches away from mingling with real live reality TV stars. I am trying extremely hard not to let this go to my head but I was invited to a black tie affair in Atlanta by the personal assistant of NeNe Leakes. Yes, THE NeNe from Real Housewives of Atlanta. O.M.G. Right? I feel like I can finally say I have done something with my life besides get pregnant. ... Continue reading »

Tonight I went out to dinner with my super fabulous friend, Daphne. We were having a serious discussion about plastic surgery and why it is AWESOME when she told me her husband would have died a few years ago if he had not had esophageal surgery. Daphne explained that her husband “could not swallow”. I choked on my margarita, the clouds parted, rays of sunshine blinded me in a Mexican restaurant, birds started singing and after years of futile searching, I finally had an answer! I have suffered from this “medical condition” ever since I got married! I could not wait to tell Mike that there was a cure for my affliction and just in time for his birthday!!! Daphne rolled her eyes and attempted to maintain her feigned innocence at my juvenile merriment. ... Continue reading »

On Thursday my father is having his hip replacement surgery. We were discussing details of his operation when he told me his doctor gave him a pamphlet about “sex after joint replacement”. I said “Well, it is a good thing that you won’t have to worry about that right?” Silence. OMG, Gross. I then asked if he wouldn’t mind taking a picture of his old people porno brochure and sending it to me for curiosity’s sake. 30 seconds later, I received an e-mail from my father which was instantaneously followed by a call from him telling me “this is how babies are made”. Dad, please stop. ... Continue reading »

You know that saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” usually I find this to be totally true. Example? I dumped a hot pilot that I met when I had jury duty for Mike who was even hotter, had a rocking personality and didn’t say things like “Delta, Alpha, Niner prepare for take off” when we were fooling around in a pitiable attempt to turn me on. And to further illustrate my point: Mike decided to make an honest woman out of me. It was so romantic. He got totally smashed in Mexico, proposed to me, stumbled back to our hotel and barfed all night. Did he mean to ask me to marry him? I have no idea. But it appears to be working, so whatever. ... Continue reading »

Last night I was working out listening to the Jersey Boys soundtrack on my iPod when I was reminded of the time my parents inadvertently set me up on a blind date despite the fact that I am indeed married to Mike. This made me start laughing and trip. My iPod fell on the treadmill and catapulted across my basement which made me laugh harder. At times I wonder how I was able to land myself such a bad ass for a husband with my overwhelming lack of dexterity and social graces but then I remembered that I like having sex so I guess it ends up being a wash. Anywho….

A couple years ago my mom invited Mike and I to go see a play with her and my stepfather, Bob. My stepdad is a mechanic and the company he works for generously gives all the employees play tickets once a year in lieu of a Christmas bonus. I thought it was mighty generous that I received an invite considering my stepdad has worked the better part of his life under a car covered in grease, fantasizing of the day his futile laborious efforts would be recognized in the form of 4 tickets to see the Jersey Boys at the Denver Center of Performing Arts. Of course I wanted to be there on his special night! Mike told me he would rather pass a kidney stone than attend. So in a mature effort to make him feel guilty for ditching me, I put on a little black dress and made myself look extra “stay-at-home-mom hot” that night. ... Continue reading »

Our super cool vet, Dr. Vickers, just responded to my most recent blog regarding my middle of the night trip to the animal emergency room, on my anniversary, to have my dog’s anal glands emptied. He graciously told me I should have called him which set me into a fit of hysterics: ... Continue reading »