Blog

All last week my in-laws were in town. That was actually not the funny part. We all sitting there having an awkward family dinner when my sister-in-law (who used to not like me but I have sort of grown on her like a fungus over the years) reminded me of the time Mike took his daughter and they took their kids to Disneyland when we first met. I had only known Mike a few weeks and I needed to wrap up some loose ends with a few other “gentlemen callers” since we were getting serious and Italians can be absurdly dramatic when it comes to casually dating 5 or 6 other dudes at the same time. Whatever.

For the past 10 years, I have heard about this stupid trip countless times because The Little Mermaid was such a HOT attraction. Mike and his brother could seriously not get enough of this broad. “The line was just filled with dads and lesbians waiting in unbearable heat for hours with their kids just to get a glimpse of this chick” and “She had the most amazing shell covered boobs” and “The thousands of pictures they took were for the children” (even though the kids’ heads were cut off in most of them) and “Do you think she had red hair down under?” Blah, blah, blah…. ... Continue reading »

Last weekend Mike and I celebrated our anniversary. Right before we left for dinner I realized one of my beloved dogs was acting like she did not feel well. Mike and I went out to dinner and when we returned, my precious little Maggie was obviously feeling worse. She had not touched her little treat or pooped on the floor while we were gone. Clearly, this was serious. Not sensing the gravity of the situation, Mike told me to chill out and just her to the vet on Monday. ... Continue reading »

For my birthday this year, we decided to take the fam on a little road trip up to the mountains. My friend Meredith would like to get married and start a family so I invited her to come along before she made any rash decisions about her life. Once Mer arrived and I had her secluded in the mountains, I told her the real reason I asked her to come was because I wanted to talk to her about “accepting Jesus Christ into her heart” (this will prove to be ironic, keep reading) and added that Mike and I have decided she would make a lovely “sister-wife”. Then I told her, I was just fucking with her and that this weekend was really a “scared straight” program so she could re-evaluate her life of freedom and solitude. ... Continue reading »

In the United States, all swallows are classified as migratory insectivorous birds under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918. Swallows are also protected by state regulations. It is illegal for any person to take, possess, transport, sell, or purchase swallows or their parts, such as feathers, nets, or eggs, without a permit. As a result, certain activities affecting swallows are subject to legal restrictions, such as removing nests, capture and release or destroying the birds. I am not a competitive person. Usually. ... Continue reading »

My stepmother called me yesterday to inform me that a friend of hers had some itty, bitty kittens and would we like one? Truthfully, I am terrified of cats. I don’t trust them; my logical mind knows that if they were just bigger they would eat me. Remember that German dumbass from Las Vegas that led everyone to believe he had mystical tiger taming powers until the goddamn thing realized it was a TIGER and bit off the dude’s head. I suppose this irrational fear has something to do with some suppressed childhood memory; remind me to discuss this with my therapist. Ahhh yes and I am also allergic to them. They make my eyeballs (yes, the actual eyeball) swell up and bulge out of my head like someone with a severe goiter problem. ... Continue reading »

This past weekend, my sister, stepmother and I threw a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad. As it turns out, my stepmother is not nearly as skilled at lying as I am so he totally figured it out. Whatever. I just love old people and it was fun to watch my dad feign shock at the number of people who came to celebrate his birth and make flaccid penis jokes at his expense. My sister and I even paid some of our young friends to come in case we got tired of talking about the Civil War and my father’s upcoming hip replacement surgery. IT.WAS.FUN. ... Continue reading »

Last Mother’s Day weekend, I was having a slumber party in our basement with my daughters and my niece. The girls spent about 2 hours playing FatBooth on my i-phone and then switched to catapulting themselves back and forth between air mattresses. I was lying on the floor checking my e-mail, when my 4 year-old went flying through the air and dexterously landed on my face. I instinctively yelled “FUUUUUCCCKKKKKK” as searing pain ripped through my eyeball. I jumped up and ran upstairs to get some ice. I could hear my niece yelling “Aunt Erin said the f-word, and I know how to spell it: F-U-C-K!” as they screeched and laughed hysterically. ... Continue reading »

Last summer, Mike and his office manager were attending a dental seminar in Scottsdale. I panicked, realizing I could die not knowing a single thing about mandibular radiolucencies or benign salivary tumors and made arrangements to fly down and meet him. Just kidding! I just wanted to get a massage, lay by the pool and not have to sneak into the closet to have sex because there were 2 kids in our bed.

Mike arranged for his office manager’s husband to pick me up from the airport. At baggage claim, Nic chivalrously asked which suitcase was mine, snatched it off the luggage carousel and started laughing. I was momentarily confused until I realized MY SUITCASE WAS BUZZING. OMG. I loudly announced to everybody in the nearby vicinity that “This is NOT what you think! It is my sonicare toothbrush! I swear! My husband is a dentist! REALLY!” What I didn’t realize at the time, was that this particular incident would serve as foreshadowing for another airplane related event a month later….. ... Continue reading »

I don’t mind airplanes, in fact, I rather enjoy them. People are utterly fascinating to me so sitting next to a stranger for a few hours, in close confines breathing the same recycled oxygen brings me immense pleasure. Last weekend on our way to L.A., I had one of the best flights EVER. We were about 30 minutes in the air when I had to use the bathroom; I climbed over Mike and accidentally whacked him in the balls when the pilot hit some turbulence. I steadied myself and made it back to the bathroom right as some guy was exiting. I locked myself in and started to sit down only to realize the bastard had dropped a load (I know! ON A FUCKING AIRPLANE right?) and left part of it stranded in the bowl. Disgusted, I flushed and flushed and flushed until the nasty thing went down and I was finally able to pee. ... Continue reading »

While doing jumping jacks in boot camp yesterday, my precious friend Laura informed me that the Department of Wildlife had to come out and euthanize a coyote in her backyard the night before. Apparently, one of the suckers wandered into her backyard and lay down in the snow by her back porch. Laura immediately yelled for her husband and kids to come see this mysterious marvel of nature as it unabashedly exposed itself within the confines of their suburban yard. Excited, they took dozens of pictures and periodically opened the back door to throw hotdogs at its head in case it was hungry. Then, just when Laura was certain her children were completely enthralled by their new pet coyote, the poor thing tried to stand up and……… promptly fell back down. Uh-Oh. ... Continue reading »