Blog

Recently my doctor friend told me I probably had ADD and that I would probably love adderall. My brain instantly began sorting through data until I landed on adderall. Aaaaahhhh yes, I saw a Dateline special about this drug…….teenagers stealing it, soccer-moms getting addicted and selling their children for it. I told him I would think about it but considering I have made it thirty-three years without becoming addicted to anything other than sex it seems sort of pointless. I informed my friends of my suspected diagnosis and they were like “Annnnnnd this is a surprise to you?” Thanks for telling me assholes. I will be sure to ask you if I ever have a suspicious mole. My sister said “I don’t think you have ADD but you should totally take the medicine. You could have your book written by Friday. I took half of adderall in college and wrote two eighteen page essays in one night without a single error.” Anyway, because I relying on the assumption that I now have ADD I am going be discussing a menagerie of topics in this blog so try to keep up. ... Continue reading »

Someone once told me the 3 most stressful things in life are divorce, a death in the family and purchasing a new home. I disagree entirely. This person has never gone shoe shopping with my five year old. my daughter was furious because I refused to allow her to ride her bike with high heels and insisted she pick out a pair of tennis shoes. I f’ing gave birth to Kim Kardashian. By the time we left Stride Rite yesterday I was mumbling incoherently and had developed a nervous tic. She said to me “I thought you were nice!” Oh please. ... Continue reading »

This past weekend I decided to shut down my personal facebook account. Hi my n-n-n-ame is Erin and I am addicted to social networking. (Hang head) I have been sober for almost two days now and let-me-tell-you this is not easy. I am sooooooooo glad I never smoked crack, I heard that shit is even worse if you could possibly imagine. And because I am like way too poor to check myself into that swanky rehab center in Utah like famous celebs I have just had to deal with the cold sweats and shakes all on my own. It is agonizing not knowing who went grocery shopping, has the flu or can answer twenty questions about me! Ahhhhhhh! ... Continue reading »

I went to the doctor yesterday because I have another sinus infection. My doctor informed me I need CAT scan of my head, gave me some prescriptions and told me to go get a “Netti Pot” with the promise that I would “see boogers from sixth grade.” Okay. This all seemed reasonable and agreeable to me with the exception of potential sinus surgery. Oooooh No. At this point in my life and hereafter, the only surgeries I plan to have are for physical enhancement purposes. Like hi, who cares how a sinus cavity looks? ... Continue reading »

This morning I woke up much to my dismay. Just kidding, I say that every day. It was actually one of those mornings I have had scorching, passionate, unbridled fantasies about. The girls woke up on their own, in their own beds, dressed themselves and were in pleasant moods. I had made lunches the night before. I was not out of cream for my coffee. The dogs did not run away when I opened the door to let them out. No one told me they hated me. We were going to be on time and I had not raised my voice even once. ... Continue reading »

Highlights of Our Hawaiian Vacation

*Let’s get this party started!!!!! My mom used the bathroom at the airport. She came out laughing and informed us that 2 Hawaiian dudes were in there cleaning the Women’s Restroom while all these chicks and transvestites were using the bathroom. Their mops kept slopping up against her feet while she peeing. When she stood up she accidentally dropped her expensive tube of lipstick down the crapper where it automatically flushed despite her frantic attempts to salvage it. ... Continue reading »

Since this country currently has a asinine law titled “You cannot get married because you are gay and your sexual preference is clearly wrong whereas mine is right despite my reputable habits of employing call-girls and soliciting sex from airport bathrooms unbeknownst to my wife,” I have decided to write my own law. It is called “If you are an over the age of fifty, burnt out flight attendant you will automatically be transferred to prisons housing the world’s most dangerous criminals and/or convicted terrorists where you will be granted tenure for your stoic ability to remain bitchy and unmoved in even the most adverse of conditions.” ... Continue reading »

I love me a good joke. A week ago God played a great one on me. He arranged for me to have laryngitis on the same as Daylight Savings. It was a real knee slapper! It was so funny trying to raise my children from the dead, get them dressed, fed and off to school while not yelling at them. Yep, I pretty much f’ing loathe Daylight Savings. But a few hours later God and I were on speaking terms again because he arranged for our other house to go under contract. Anyway…… ... Continue reading »

I am ready to talk about it. In accordance with the Kubler-Ross Model of the 5 Stages of Grief, I am currently residing in Stage 4, Depression. On Tuesday, I went to pick my daughter up from pre-school. Her class is currently tortur-raising baby chicks. My daughter informed me that one of the chicks “got hurt bad cause a block dropped on its head but it was just an accident and it is the circle of life and it is still alive but things don’t look too good and it will soon be with Baby Jesus and so don’t feel that bad for it.” Um what? I went inside and sure enough there was a teeny tiny itty bitty baby chick lying on its side shaking. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I did NOT just f'ing see this. ... Continue reading »

The other night I was sitting up in bed watching Breaking Dawn on my laptop while Mike was snoring next to me. For those of you who have not heard of the Twilight series and are just now joining planet Earth: Welcome. I was at the part in the movie when Edward (the controlling vampire), sneaks into Bella’s (the dumb teenage human) room the night before they were getting married. Edward says “Bella, I have something to tell you…..I have killed lots of people.” And Bella says "It’s okay, I trust you." ... Continue reading »