Blog

My 9-year-old was at her second violin lesson last Sunday when her teacher came out and informed Mike and I that our kid was feeling dizzy. We walked over to check on her as she stumbled around, white as a ghost and told me she was going to be sick. I opened the door to get her some fresh air annnnd she passed out. Mike somehow managed to catch her before her head hit the pavement. He then told some guy walking by to call 911 while I was hysterically saying her name and telling her to wake up. The police, a firetruck and EMT’s showed up and loaded her into an ambulance. By the time we arrived at the hospital, she was pretty much back to “normal” although I use that term loosely because as it turns out nothing was wrong with her aside from being extremely excited to take a violin lesson. W.T.F. ... Continue reading »

I recently ran into a woman I knew at the mall. We exchanged pleasantries and then she launched into how pissed she was that her husband gave her money rather than an actual gift for her birthday. I stood there totally confused. Hi. If Mike gave me money for my birthday I would probably sleep with him even though it was my holiday. I freaking LOVE money. The only thing I love more than money is Yorkies. She went on and on about the thoughtlessness and insincerity and how she deserved better blah blah blah. Omg. Shut.The.Fuck.Up. Mike- If you are reading this, don’t you EVER forget how lucky you are to have me. Oh and I write a blog. It is mostly about you. Sorry I forgot to tell you. ... Continue reading »

My pregnant friend, Mer, just sent me a text of herself at the OBGYN’s office. I texted her back that she needed to go study the poster of cervixes on the wall since that the last giant one was going to be hers soon. She responded that there was also a plastic model of a vagina. I told her she should take a picture with it for the baby book. Taking advantage of this rare photo opportunity, she took a selfie with the plastic vag right as her doctor was walking in. Annnnnnd this is precisely why twelve-year-olds should not have babies. Annnnyway.... ... Continue reading »

I have recently learned my sister lives in the only house in all of Ireland that cannot obtain Internet service by “3 kilometers” (whatever the fuck that means) due to the location of her residence. I am both perturbed and amused by her ingenuity to elude her family. I moved to a gated community to keep them out, she moved to a different COUNTRY without an actual zip code and claims broadband issues to throw off our scent. ... Continue reading »

It has been one week since my sister and niece moved to Ireland. Even more upsetting? They legalized weed in Colorado the day before she left. It would have been so much more fun if she was here to join Grandma, mom and me. However, the worst part of having her gone is that I keep unexpectedly dissolving into fits of ugly crying over everything. Last night I made tater tots and all I could think was, “I cannot believe you are eating these Erin! How could you be so selfish? Your sister is in the midst of a potato famine.” I only ate a few and threw the rest out I was so upset. ... Continue reading »

Mike put me on a budget. Wait, it gets funnier. I actually have to explain what I am spending money on not just to Mike but to an accountant whom I am now referring to as my other husband. Do you have ANY idea, ANNNNNY idea, how weird it is when another man knows when I wax my lady garden? Effective immediately: I am longer sleeping with either of them because I am so pissed. Anyway, I have resorted to purchasing VISA gift cards from the grocery store to hide my expenditures because I don’t have quite enough shit to do everyday without embezzling from myself. ... Continue reading »

I was sitting outside freezing my ass off in the middle of the night waiting for my puppy to whiz when I glanced up at the sky and thought about what a genius the person was that started “selling” stars. Um...okay...let me see here, I am going to say I own all the stars and then I will start charging people to name them. I could technically sell the same star to a thousand different dupable people and they would never know. Do you realize how asinine and absolutely brilliant this is at the same time? ... Continue reading »

Me: I am going to find new homes for Vinnie and Pearl. I am the ONLY thirty-four year old woman I know that has pet lizards. The kids have NOTHING to do with them since their tails unexpectedly fell off while they were holding them. Thankyouverymuch for failing to inform us of this fun fact DICK who sold them to us. Anyway... Three Days Later: I had resolved to drop the lizards off at a fire station when God thwarted my plans. “MOOOOOOOOM- PEARL IS BLEEDING AND CRICKETS ARE EATING HER!!!” I ran upstairs, peered into the aquarium and swallowed my throw up. Omg, it was just like that disturbing news story from a year ago when those super high on bath salts naked homeless guys were discovered eating each other’s faces on an overpass in LA. Except in my case, the homeless guys were crickets and they were probably not on drugs which makes it even more fucked up. ... Continue reading »

My children went back to school a few weeks ago. I had been counting down the nanoseconds for this day since the end of June. In fact, when I took them back-to-school shopping the week prior I actually said, “Stop licking each other” void of any emotion whatsoever. We took a bunch of trips, went to the pool, museums, parks, blah blah blah... So imagine my surprise when my my brain fucking betrayed me and I started crying. Like hard. The combination of not being needed any more and no longer having a viable excuse for having a dirty house was suddenly overwhelming. ... Continue reading »

A few days ago I took my kids to the park and they discovered the remains of a raccoon that had obviously been shanked by some gang member coyotes. Kids: MOM CAN WE TAKE SOME BONES HOME?! Me: No. Kids: (Hyperventilating) PLEASE MOM PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?! Me: Oh My God. That is so disgusting. No. Kids: YOU ARE SO MEAN! IT IS SCIENCE! Me: I seriously care. Can you please just go play on the slide now and pretend you are “normal” children. ... Continue reading »