Blog

Me: I can only assume your silence pertaining to this matter is your angled attempt to see if I accidentally forgot about Christmas this year. Shockingly, I didn’t. I am going to need you to bring Big Baby up from the basement and then go hang up the Christmas lights outside.

Mike: (Pouring a glass of wine) I had a patient come in today who is a firefighter. Last year he fell off the ladder while hanging Christmas lights, broke both his legs and had to get stitches in his elbow. ... Continue reading »

Mike and I have decided to start dating again. Each other. Chill, we ain’t that socially liberal, I just read that courting your spouse can make being married fun. We have been golfing twice now and last weekend we went out to dinner and saw Dennis Miller perform. As I expressed to my friends on facebook, I do not understand Dennis Miller jokes. So Mike just laughed and laughed while I took pictures of our heads and compared how big Mike’s melon was next to mine. I was like “Hey I think I figured out why your mom has doesn’t like you. If I had to push your massive cranium out of my body I would probably harbor resentment towards you as well.” And he said “She had a c-section.” And I was like “Oh sorry, nevermind.” ... Continue reading »

The other night I was lying on my 7 year-old’s bedroom floor tossing a tennis ball up in the air while listening to strum her guitar and sing her spelling words. Suddenly she stopped and asked “Mom what is a uterus?” I told her and she said “So it’s like a baby cage.” “Essentially yes, if you put babies in cages freak.” This conversation was preceded with me asking my youngest daughter how school was and she said “Great! ______ didn’t even hit me once today!” “Whoa there cowgirl, glass is getting a little too full. Tell me again what this little punkass kid’s name is again.” I absolutely love, love, love listening to my children’s worldly perceptions. Even if I was not legally bound to them, I would like my kids anyway because they are cool chicks. ... Continue reading »

Psychologist Alfred Adler theorized that childhood experiences affect our behavior and personality as adults. This is concerning considering I was left at a gas station in the mountains when I was 8 years old by a bunch of drunk, none-English speaking, friends of a neighbor that my recently divorced dad entrusted with my care for the day. I was sitting on the curb kicking a rock thinking about just how screwed I was when the car whipped back into the parking lot and screeched to a stop in front of me. The driver whistled at me and said “Vamonos!” and I climbed back in and fake laughed right along with them. ... Continue reading »

On Wednesday I am going to get a chemical peel on my face. I like to do this periodically so I can really appreciate how much my face doesn’t hurt on an average day. The Russian woman that does my peels has that disease where you don’t feel pain because she always tells me “this not hurt and then you pretty in one week.” The very first time I paid to have acid put on my face I decided not to tell Mike because I wanted him to think I just turned naturally beautiful. Unfortunately I looked like a leper that made out with a sidewalk so I confessed and he started laughing and called me a “dumbass.” And I was like “Oh puh-leeeeeze Mike, you know as well as I do that we all want to look good. I suppose now you are going to tell me you exercise for your health.” Whatever. ... Continue reading »

I may be deceased when you read this and if so, thank you all for reading it has been a pleasure writing for you. Mike left for his annual golf trip and I painted his office bathroom bright pink. He comes home today. This brain child has been incubating for a good month in my medulla oblongata ever since Eye Candi (his associate) said “I want to have the computer guy photo shop one of Mike’s office walls pink and then I will send him the picture when he is gone.” And because I am an asshole, I was like “Fuck that, why don’t we just paint it pink?” And Eye Candi said “Well, he did say to make myself comfortable here….” And I said “Weeeeeeell then there you go.” And so we did it. I am going to feel really bad if she gets fired because I have developed a fondness for her but if push comes to shove, it was totally her idea. ... Continue reading »

Ever since school started this year it has been a battle of wills to get my youngest daughter to go to Kindergarten Enrichment 3 days a week before her actual kindergarten class in the afternoon. My reasoning was since I enrolled her in half day kindergarten this would fill in any potential gaps she would miss by providing her with supplemental learning materials. ... Continue reading »

Guess What? I have a life coach now and her name is Karen. She is going to teach me how to reach even bigger goals than just getting through the day! I have not been this excited since I was seated next to a shrink on the way back from Disneyworld who ended up becoming one of my best friends after he gave me a free therapy session. Fortunately Trevor is not a fan of vaginas so Mike doesn’t care when we hang out. Which also reminds me….hang on…..climbing to the top of my soapbox…..out of breath…..okay…….I don’t get why something as insignificant as sexual preface receives the momentous amount of publicity that it does. I cannot be the only one that finds this topic to be more confusing than Bruce Jenner’s face. Assuming you are not having sexual relations with children or my husband then I really cannot discern why it is anyone else’s fucking business. ... Continue reading »

For some reason I looked your website up tonight. It's been a long time since I have seen you. I remember when your mouth was much more delicate. I know that same essence of beauty still remains inside of you. It would be humbling if you could raise your talent to the higher regard for beauty that you were called for. You see, something that I have learned through my experience is that the calling for decency is viewed as weak and vulnerable, and is often valued but grossly misunderstood. However true that may be at my level, it has been long since written as highly observed at the eternal: "And he will bring justice to the nations. He will not quarrel, nor scream at people. You will not be able to hear his voice above the chatter of the street. In bringing discernment of what is good and right to the point that it actually governs human existence, he will not even use the violence it takes to finish breaking a stick that is already cracked or smother a smoking wick." -Isa 42 1:4 That passage has captured my heart since I first read it. Think of it…The Lord’s countenance, in his utmost power and sovereign position, chooses to remain meek and gentle in demeanor concerning his affairs with us. Why? Because it is beautiful. I have learned that it takes an incredible amount of discipline to simply be decent; more discipline than Navy SEAL training, and that it is a calling above mediocrity. I’m not sure if you would agree with me if I said that your beautiful heart is not as profane as the character on your blog, Erin. But you don’t have to agree with me in order for it to be true; there has always been an eternal sweetness and about you. I’m sure that the key is not far out of reach. I wish for you to keep in mind that the rose in a very special way- and more generally the flower, even in its most humble form- is a fragile but irrepressible witness on earth to a "larger" world where good is somehow safe. ... Continue reading »

Well, this month has been a giant shit storm of activity. Let’s begin with Grandpa Frank. For as long as I can remember he would laugh and say “The best thing about living is dying.” He was an authority on this matter because he technically died 30 years ago from a heart attack on the operating table before some overzealous doctors shocked the shit out of him and brought him back. I found great comfort in his declaration and subsequently placed “Death” right under Charles Manson being paroled on my checklist of things to worry about. This all changed a couple months ago when his health began to decline. He confessed to my grandma he was afraid to die. Teasingly my grandma said “But Frank I thought the best part of living was dying?” And he grouchily replied “Well, I changed my mind.” Fuck. ... Continue reading »