Blog

My Mormon cousin Jill is now selling colon cleanses and wanted me to try one. Jill has 5 kids and is totally sexy so my curiosity peaked. I asked her if it would turn me Mormon. She said no and because my week was already shit, I decided to go ahead and do it. Conveniently, my friend Jen and I had just decided that we were going to venture onto a path of optimum wellness by fulfilling the physical, emotional and spiritual needs that our children had robbed us of. ... Continue reading »

Last week my yorkie Layla, became ill after eating rabbit shit according to our vet. This incidentally serves as a good reminder for all of us: Stop Doing That. My precious baby required a variety of antibiotics, x-rays, blood work, an IV, hand fed meals, massages and a couple thousand of Mike’s dollars before we nuked those nasty germs. Yeah that’s right, Wrong.Yorkie.Bitches (the bacterium, not Layla). ... Continue reading »

I am convinced Aretha Franklin has that disorder that makes her work out incessantly. I woke up last night at 3:00am because I heard a strange noise and she was running in her hamster wheel. I was like “Aretha, this has to stop. Don’t you see how beautiful you are? Don’t You? Don’t You? Now go to bed.” I blocked off her wheel only to be awoken an hour later to her repeatedly scurrying up and down her plastic tube. I told Mike that Aretha has body dysmorphia. He told me that hamsters are nocturnal. HA, YOU ARE SO WRONG. She was in her ball rolling around the house all day yesterday while the dogs chased her and then when I put her back into her cage she ate one kernel of corn and climbed back into her wheel. The sista has issues. ... Continue reading »

Yesterday I woke up and decided to take a long hot bath to soothe my aching body. I have that disease that makes you age rapidly. It really blows. I was lying in the tub, reading my book when all of sudden Aretha Franklin (our hamster) comes rolling by in her ball and my daughters start giggling from behind the dresser. “Dammit you guys KNOCK IT OFF! I guarantee Aretha already has brain damage and daddy is going to be pissed when he has to pay for her rehabilitation therapy because you roll her so fast.” “Mom, she rolled in here by herself. She has never seen boobs,” more laughter from the dresser. Enter Mike: “Girls, your mom is trying to take a bath to relax. She had a long day yesterday, give her a break.” And then he walks over to the toilet and sits down to take a dump. With the door open. ... Continue reading »

Mike became a man of God last weekend. I suppose I should be happy for him but instead I am finding myself increasingly annoyed at the pious attitude he has assumed in conjunction with his new title “Reverend Moroni.” Now every time the kids start fighting or the hamster (her name is Aretha Franklin) bites me, he is like “Erin, please refrain from using the Lord’s name in vain in my presence.” Let me back this ass up. My sister is getting married in 6 weeks. Since our parents raised us as heathens, we have no affiliation to any church/synagogue/mosque/cult. ... Continue reading »

When I went grocery shopping last week I encountered a slobbery dog tied up outside the store waiting for its owner. Because I am up to date on my rabies vaccinations, I stopped and gave it a pet and then went inside. I was tossing food in my grocery cart, daydreaming about how glorious it would be to own 10 Yorkies with matching Burberry sweaters when I accidentally bumped into some dude. ... Continue reading »

After I had been blogging for awhile I noticed two things. 1) I no longer get invited to family reunions and 2) People begin conversations with “I sort of don’t want to tell you this because I know you are going to write about it.” Even my doctor who recommended I start using a netti pot prefaced his treatment plan with this phrase. This sort of makes me wonder if he will tell me if I catch cancer or AIDS. Last week I had to go to my other doctor to go get a “wellness/med check.” ... Continue reading »

For those of you who have not read The Grey Books: I am sorry, your life could have been so much better this past week and this blog will make absolutely no sense. Now if you have read The Grey Books don’t forget to buy more batteries when you go to the store; your husbands are wondering what happened to the ones in the TV remote. They are also wondering why you now own a riding crop and no horse. ... Continue reading »

This past weekend my family invaded Arizona. My family and vacationing is predictably hysterical every time we go ANYWHERE. First, the girls insist on packing their own suitcases which means I then have to unpack and repack them prior to departure. This time however, my youngest daughter nailed the necessities by packing the book The Night Before Christmas, a dirty bath towel and some shiny rocks, so my job was much easier. ... Continue reading »

My in-laws were in town this past week. In terms of their overall satisfaction with me as their daughter-in-law they rate me 3 out of 5 stars. How was I supposed to know that the air mattress bed I bought for them was going to deflate at 2:00am leaving them tangled in a plastic abyss? Come on that is hysterical!!!! And seriously, I cannot think of a single person that does not like broccoli! I would never have served it for 5 consecutive nights had I known! I make a concerted effort to overlook our differences because I see the big picture: they made Mike, who made money, which I then used to buy my beloved dogs. ... Continue reading »