Blog

I spent the past month before I had knee surgery trying to nurse my 9 year old daughter’s chameleon, Fern, back to health. Fern became “egg bound.” Essentially, this means she was pregnant, but unable to push those life-suckers out. The only solution to this harrowing predicament was to spay and pray. Now before you Pro-Lifers start sending me hate mail and burning crosses in my yard, calm your shit down. While I did “technically” pay for a chameleon abortion(s), they were FAKE babies. Fern was a virgin. Like me. ... Continue reading »

Lisa and I discuss the top ten careers of sociopaths to help parents with spawn graduating from high school. ... Continue reading »

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. I tripped and fell over my elliptical while playing tag with my kid and blew out my knee. I started physical therapy and am having surgery in a couple of weeks blah blah blah and now the better part of a year is being devoted to an appendage… Which brings me to the moral of this story: Stop playing with your children. Get them an iPad, throw some lucky charms on the ground and stay away from them. It is much, much safer this way. ... Continue reading »

This week Erin posted on her Facebook wall something about not keeping much junk, hating knick-knacks and admitted to throwing most of her kids artwork away (just like most of us moms who choose not to be hoarders). Anywho, a random super angry reader of the page called Erin a "heartless bioch" (yes b-i-o-c-h) and expressed that she thinks "we suck" blah blah blah.... and then her final sign off post was "Bye Felicia". (Actually she really didn't end there. She continued to spew hateful things.) ... Continue reading »

Last week Lisa and I recorded podcast number two. We know you are excited and have been patiently waiting. ... Continue reading »

As many of you who follow us on Facebook and Twitter are already aware, we decided to begin podcasting in addition to blogging, so that people who can’t read are now able to experience the insurmountable joy we bring to the world. We are super thoughtful like that. Our IT guy, Jack, insisted that we get some professional pictures taken (for his private collection.) Just kidding. He hates us. Like seriously. Like he is probably on a heavy bender right now after dealing with us for two straight weeks. ... Continue reading »

Last week my youngest daughter had her tonsils out. I was an absolute fucking wreck because she was with a world renown surgeon, in a really nice hospital and this extremely complicated surgery was going to take somewhere between fifteen to twenty minutes minutes. I watched as they wheeled her little, tiny body into the operating room and yelled “I LOVE YOU!” in a shaky voice before I burst into hysterical sobs, buried my face in Mike’s arm and wiped snot on his sleeve. ... Continue reading »

Erin: I have decided we are going to go get Brazilian waxes. Lisa: Okay. Erin: That went over better than I thought it would. You are drinking wine, watching Lifetime and not really listening to me aren’t you? Lisa: What? ... Continue reading »

One of the four neighbors whom I actually like moved right before Thanksgiving. She needed some help moving some miscellaneous items like a propane tank and a gas can that apparently wouldn’t fit in her giant car (?), so I graciously loaded them into mine and made the trek into the city. I decided to bring one of my daughters with me since my kid has never been outside our gated community and I think it is important to expose them to other cultures on occasion. ... Continue reading »

A month ago, my precious, delish and hilarious mom fell and broke a rib and her leg which, ultimately required major surgery. Unfortunately, this rendered her an invalid and because I am a self-sacrificing soul of altruism, I am now one of her caretakers. Actually, I just drive her around and say things like, “You should take a muscle relaxer” or “Do you want another muscle relaxer?" ... Continue reading »